70: 5 Habits Healthy Couples Avoid

Summary:
Jason shares five habits healthy couples avoid to maintain strong, connected relationships.

The Five Habits to Avoid:

1. Waking each other up to talk when upset—sleep first, discuss later.
2. Assuming your partner is trying to upset you—differences aren’t disrespect.
3. Expecting your partner to fix your anxiety—self-regulation is key.
4. Using distance or avoidance to calm anxiety—space is healthy only if it leads to reconnection.
5. Feeling entitled to sex—focus on intimacy, not demands.

Final Thought:
Healthy couples are intentional, self-aware, and patient with each other.

Link to Relationship Style Quiz

See it in blog form: 5 Things Healthy Couples Avoid

Transcript

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Today I wanna talk about five things healthy couples avoid, But first I'm going to introduce the show. Welcome everyone. This is solving disconnection and creating connected relationships for couples and parents. My name is Jason Polk, and I've worked this exclusively with couples as a therapist and coach for over 10 years. On this podcast, I share my experience professionally. Personally and those of our amazing guests. Even the healthiest couples don't have perfect communication or conflict free relationships. What sets them apart is what they avoid. They know which habits quietly erode. Trust, intimacy, and safety avoidance, entitlement, or emotional over-reliance on our partner can chip away at connection over time. Healthy couples don't strive to eliminate discomfort. They learn to handle it with maturity. They practice restraint when appropriate. Self-soothe instead of react and respect boundaries, theirs and their partners. I wanna share five things emotionally healthy couples learn not to do, number one. They don't wake each other up to talk when upset. And I led with this one because it's fresh in my mind. I had a client who said their partner woke'em up in the middle of the night simply because they fell asleep and didn't respond to their texts. Now, I guess there's one thing if you're checking on your partner because you think they're dead, but if you, see them breathing. From my perspective, I think it's best just to let'em sleep and talk about it tomorrow. And the reason why is because, you know, sleep is a self-care. It restores perspective and helps prevent unnecessary escalation. Healthy couples don't feel entitled to wake their partner up unless it's an emergency. And again, if you're upset because your partner didn't text back before bed. It is better to manage that anxiety or frustration on your own first. And as couples therapist, Terry Real, I always quote him, he says, relationships are full of micro disappointments. And a part of being and emotionally grounded partner is learning to handle those moments without demanding immediate repair. From your partner. And that's another thing, it's almost like wake your partner up and I demand us to fix this right now. And often, anytime we demand it doesn't go over very well. And here's another saying that I share with couples and I don't think they particularly like it, and that is, as a saying, goes, your partner didn't make you angry, you made yourself angry. And that sort of ideal. Is a sign of emotional maturity and it's not detachment. Number two, they don't assume their partner is trying to upset or dismiss them on purpose. And this one shows up a lot around clutter, chores, routines. It may sound like I've told you a hundred times to put your shoes away. Okay. And if our partner doesn't do it, we can conclude you're not doing it because you don't respect me. But often it's not really about respect. As a late therapist, David Snar observed and couples. Often different, not only in libido, but in many types of desire, including the desire for order cleanliness or structure. And for someone with A DHD, for example, or a racing mind, tidiness might simply not rank as high. Healthy couples remind themselves in different areas of focus and attention. Doesn't equal disrespect. And it's almost like we can't force or demand our partner to be more cleanly, if that's even a word. Just as we can't demand or force our partner to be intimate with us. And cleanliness is something that we're gonna have to accept and. I strongly believe if they left the shoes in the hallway, it's not because they don't respect you, it's just not at the priority of their mind. And again, if someone has a DHD, they're thinking about so many different things and not their shoes being in the hall. Number three, they don't expect their partner to fix their anxiety. And I've talked about attachment theory on this podcast before, and we have different relationship styles. We have a term, it's called wave or Wave ish, and essentially what that is, you know, someone who's wavish craves closeness may often need reassurance. In times of stress, and that's a quick definition. And if you're interested in attachment theory, I invite you to check out the relationship style quiz, and I'll post it in the show notes. But believing our partner should always soothe our anxiety sets both people up for disappointment and burnout. Loneliness and disconnection are a part of being human. And being okay with those feelings doesn't mean we like them. It means knowing that they're not fatal and they're a part of life, and we can't expect our partner to always eradicate those feelings. Healthy couples take responsibility for their emotional regulation, for example, by breathing toward their feelings, being with them. Understanding their feelings, journaling about them, and also remembering natural abundance. Your peace and worth come from within and they don't need your partner's validation to exist. Number four. They also don't use distance or avoidance to calm anxiety. And the other end of the relationship style spectrum are those who tend to avoid or we call islandish types and people may pull away and kind of go within themselves in times of stress and is a natural reflex. Sometimes islandish people have the assumption that silence or time alone will fix everything. Phrases like, can we just move on? It might make sense, but often it's kind of like, I don't want to deal with this. And so as a result, the partner of the avoidant or the partner of someone who has a tendency to do this feels invisible, unheard. And dismissed, and that is never a good thing. And healthy couples know that space or time apart is definitely a good thing, and it is important, especially when we can calm down and it leads to repair. I always share the idea of appropriate space. Oftentimes we need space and we need to calm down, but built into the space is. The agreement that partners are going to reconnect. For example, an idea of appropriate space is, Hey, I need some time to myself after that. Let's talk. Number five. They don't think they're entitled to sex, and some partners believe that being married or in a long-term relationship guarantees sexual access, but control never fosters desire, or I would say. Control and pressure never fosters desire. It kills it. Instead of thinking, I deserve sex, healthy couples ask, what can I do to increase intimacy in our relationship? They take ownership of their part, creating safety, warmth, and connection rather than trying to pressure. For their partner to have more desire towards them. And healthy couples see sex as an expression of closeness and not a demand to be met. Generally desire grows from freedom, collaboration, and not pressure. So healthy couples don't get healthy by being flawless. Um, they get there by being aware and intentional. They look at their side of the seesaw and notice when they're reacting, personalizing, withdrawing, and simply take a breath, pause long enough to choose something differently. Choose something that will help the relationship. Love isn't sustained by passion alone. It's sustained by two people that are willing to grow and be patient together. Thanks for listening.