55: What is a Couples Intensive aka Marriage Retreat?

This episode might be of interest to those of you who may be on the brink of divorce or breakup, for those who don't have a lot of time, and for those who harbor a lot of resentment.

In this episode, I share how I define couples' intensives and why they are popular in my practice.

Click here for more information about couples intensives.

Click here to set up a free couples intensive consult. 

Transcript

0:00

What is a couples intensive? You hear about these as well as marriage retreats, which I basically viewed them as the same thing in this podcast. I'll share how I define couples intensives and why I do them. So at that sounds interesting. Keep listening and check it out. Welcome everyone. This is solving disconnection and creating connected relationships for couples and parents. My name is Jason Polk, and I've worked this exclusively with couples as a therapist and coach for over 10 years. On this podcast, I share my experience professionally. Personally and those of our amazing guests. My definition of a couples intensive is that we are going to do. As much couples therapy as we can in one or two days. It's usually for a couples in the brink of divorce or breakup that traditional style therapy hasn't helped. It's also for couples that want a different model, for example, traditional therapy. It's usually let's meet every week for an hour or so. And that can be difficult for some couples in terms of time. In terms of scheduling and more importantly, because it can take longer to have results. It's also for couples that. May have built up a lot of past resentments and hurts. And it can take some time for partners to really be heard. And acknowledged on these past resentments. My role. And this is often when I do during couples intensive sessions is to guide you to, to having a productive. The dialogue on that. And I asked Siri what the definition of a dialogue is. And I got a couple of definitions and basically it's a. Conversation between two or more people. A discussion between two or more people. But the highlight here is that we want a conversation between two people and that entails a speaker and a listener. What we don't want is a monologue, a monologue of past resentments. One is if we go on and on and on, we lose our listener. Also, if we're talking about more than one thing, then it can be overwhelming. And confusing for the listener. So my job is to guide you to, to a healthy. Back and forth on whatever it is that has occurred. Basically. So there's a speaker and there's a listener. And also we can't just bring a bag full of resentments during an intensive. And empty it out on our partner. And we have to use discretion on this, right. We don't want to make it. So we're pummeling our partner. But if something is really bothering us, it's really important that we speak from a centered. Respectful place respectful, towards our partner. So we can really be heard because I've seen this in my practice when resentments are heard. And acknowledged that can go a long way. Well, we don't want. From the listener is to be defensive or say something like, gosh, well you just get over this already. Or the other side going one down. It's ah, why are you with me? I am such a horrible person. Basically what we want is acknowledgement. And for it to be heard sometimes that's enough. You know, you may include I'm sorry. Or gosh, that must've felt horrible. Whatever that is. But we want a discussion. On the second day of couples intensives. How do I do it? I give each partner beforehand. A dart assessment. Now this assessment stands for developmental and relational trauma. It's not the sexiest title ever. Um, it's not like you're going to wake up in the morning and be like, oh, that assessment sounds fun. Let me do that. But the purpose of it. Is too. In the presence. And I do this assessment in the presence of each partner. So it would be all three of us going through it. With me guiding the discussion. And we examined. And discussed your upbringing, and this can be a powerful and moving experience for couples. And the purpose of this is for insight. And compassion. Into how maybe some of your earlier adaptations show up in the relationship today. And we had this really great quote. In relational life therapy, the model that I've been trained in. And that is, it was adaptive then, but maladaptive now, And so it's important to highlight and have compassion. Of course, those were your adaptations. That's how you survived. Psychologically emotionally, and even physically. And those reflexes today at times, show up. Maladaptively. And so it's important to be on to examine that and pinpoint it. Like, it's not that you're fundamentally flawed or there's something inherently wrong with you. And make sense where these are coming from. And that is some of the compassion, and sometimes it can be very beneficial for the partner to hear this. Sometimes it occurs. Oh, gosh, I never, I never knew this. I never heard you talk about your upbringing in that way, that often happens during these sessions. And when you have this information, when there's awareness around it. The next question is what are we going to do with it? Right. And so the idea. Is to spend less time in those reflexes. Or we can sometimes say those older ego states. Those older ego states that get triggered. And can we as individuals. Begin to form a relationship with those younger parts of us. And that's where a little bit where the inner child work comes in. Or simply being aware of it. Again, awareness is so important. Maybe we just breathe into it. Maybe we're aware it's coming up. And we pause. We take a time out. So basically what we're doing is we're beginning to work with those parts of us that don't care about relationship tools, right. That don't care about the relationship. Like when I'm triggered really triggered, I don't care about tools and I'm a couples therapist. Right. Uh, but what I need to be able to do is to be aware of when my younger ego state comes online would make me want to fight. And be mean and be nasty. I'm aware when it starts to come up. And I get that guy there. Right. I call it time out. I am. Maybe I call a time out. And I. This is something you're open to. I have a conversation with that younger ego state. Hey. Oh, Jason, I got this. I can talk to my wife. You don't need to. Um, whenever that is, but it's important to cultivate. A relationship, whether that is a dialogue, inner dialogue. Or just taking space or breathing or mindfulness. Whatever that is. We don't want those parts of us. As we say in the driver's seat. Because when are triggered, parts are in the driver's seat too much at the time. As my mentor says. That's the part of us that's driving the relationship into the ditch. Zoe, we don't want that. We want to be in our. Y's adult state of mind or our centered state of mind. And the more we are there, the more open we are to using tools. And part of the couples intensive, too. This run, the topic of tools is to provide you two with tools, provide you two with agreements, right? For example that there's something I want to bring up with my partner. How do I do that? And we use it a tool called the feedback wheel. Which is something like, Hey, is now a good time to talk and you can say, yes. Or no. But if it is a yes, you to have the agreement that we're going to be intentional about this conversation, right. I'm going to summon my wise adult or my centered part of me whenever that is breathe. And I'm going to speak in a respectful manner to my partner. The share my. Feedback. I want to give or to share my hurt or an incident or an issue that I'm concerned about. The share that, and then the partner who's listening. Who said yes, now's a good time. Your job is to listen and stay centered. We don't want the inner rebuttal. We don't want to be okay. I'm waiting for you to be done so I can tell you my hurt. And there needs to be a speaker or listener. That is one of the tools. That we do. During the intensive and it's really important. I know it can be cliche, but it's really important. And also while we're making it somewhere, spending less time in conflict. It's really important. And I, we do this. Uh, during every intensive. to remember what makes your partner feel loved? And what makes you feel loved? And for there to be more connection in harmony in the relationship. I encourage both partners. To start appreciating each other. That's so important. And the thing about it. Appreciation. Can be sort of easy. And sometimes I tell people, especially if there's been a lot of resentment, Hey, start with, thanks for taking the trash out. Thanks for making coffee. And the more you can train that muscle. The catch your partner doing something that's good or something that you like. The better. And more deeper. You're going to be able to do that in the future. And I feel that's really important. So that is the gist of a one day or two day couples intensive. Basically what it is one day. It is, we're cramming as much, couple of therapy as we can. And to one day and the purpose is for results. For intensives. we do followups where you follow ups once a month. Then we're going to meet, like, how's it going? And the reason for this is let's keep the results going. Let us build on our momentum., Are you to continuing on the right path? Or maybe need to tweak this, right? Maybe you want more of this, less of that, whatever that is, but to keep it going. And the cool thing is, I've seen. I've experienced results. I'm going to share. A quick testimonial. So, this is what, the couple who did a two day. Intensive. one partner wrote to me was we learned more in one weekend with you. Then we did in two years with our other counselor, we definitely learned that talk therapy alone was not enough. And we really appreciate your approach with usable techniques to release negativity, to make space and time for a more positive and loving relationship. So that was a recent one and maybe we'll leave it at that. Also, I want to., invite you if this is something that sounds interesting to you. Set up a call. I'll leave a link in the show notes. Also share a link to the couples intensive therapy page on our website. And,, as always, thank you so much for listening. Hey everyone. If this has resonated with you, or if you gotten anything from the podcast, please give us a five-star rating and share this with someone who could benefit from. This information