52: You Can Be Right, Or You Can Be Married

What are the problems with needing to be right?

And what are the issues with holding on to "objective truth."

This episode will help you know what to do to fix that. To help you embrace more subjective truth in your relationship. Because relationships are two subjective truths navigating life together.

Visit my couples therapy practice website. 

Transcript

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Hey, everyone. Welcome to episode number 52 in town. You can be right. Or you can be married. I got that quote from my mentor, Terry real, so in this episode, I want to share the problems that result from needing to be right or holding onto your objective reality. And then I'm going to share things that you can do to work on, to fix that. And thank you so much for listening. Hey, everyone. Welcome to solving disconnection. And creating connected relationships for couples and parents. Yes. This podcast has a new name. And yes, it's been awhile, but first of all, again, I want to thank you all for listening. It's like my download numbers have gone up since I took a break. Releasing episodes. So I don't know what that means, but anyway, I do appreciate the fact that you're listening and I hope you get some value from this episode. Check it out. One way to create disconnection. Is when you need to be right too much of the time. In relational life therapy or modality that I've been trained in. It is actually one of the losing strategies that is needing to be right. The quick fix to this leucine strategy is to be curious. If your partner is saying something and you don't agree with it. You can still listen. And the response, if you don't agree with it. And I'm curious about why you think that instead of that's not true. Um, no. Actually so-and-so said this, um, instead of what you said, Because if we rely too much on a need to be right. Uh, basically what we're doing. Is, we are. Dismissing our partner. I got this from my mentor, Terry real. And he says that objective reality has no space in intimate relationships. And that has, because we are too subjective realities operating at the same time. And the reason for this is simply because. Hey, if I'm in a good mood. I interpret events differently. If I'm in a bad mood, I also interpret. Things in a more negative light. Also my history depends on how I interpret things. If, Jeff, my partner does something that maybe reminds me of someone in the past. I am going to interpret. The event. With one foot in the present and one foot in the past. Simply put. In reality, there is a lot going on. And if we try to cling to one truth, One objective reality, there's going to be problems. And if one partner is clinging. To one objective reality. It's like, I'm going to try to eradicate our difference. With my version. The right version. And with all that I mentioned, there's just too much going on for it to be one version. We're going to have to let go. And let me share it. I was recently working with a couple. And they both had this as their number one, losing strategy, DD and TB. Right. And I asked one of the partners. I said, did you have to defend yourself a lot? Growing up? And the partner said, yes. And then I asked. Can. I share why, I guess that. And they said, yeah, sure. And then I said it's because you have a black belt in defending yourself. And that was adaptive then. Right to dig in, to defend yourself. Now it is maladaptive. And so it's also important to understand. You know, where did a little bit of this come from? Um, maybe there's something there. Maybe not. If we had a lot of unfairness growing up. We may cleaning. To the need to be right. Maybe you didn't have a voice in your reality was shut out. And so you may. Overly advocate. For your quote unquote objective reality. So just some thoughts. And again, the simple fix of this is to be curious. If you don't agree with something, your partner is saying. Get curious about it and it goes. I'm curious about why you think that. And then you're inviting your partner in to a dialogue with you, instead of saying that's not true. Instead of trying to be the truth police and in certain your objective reality. In the relationship. And another fix of this is to let go. We're going to have to let go of our need to be right. In order to allow space for our partners perspective. And that may be challenging. And we need to accept that so much goes in to our perspectives, into our subjective reality. Like I mentioned it could be in our mood. It could be history, even stress levels affect how we record information. Stan Tatkin stated that if we're stressed, Then our hippocampus. Is compromised. And so we're recording different versions of. Quote unquote, the reality. And again, there needs to be some give and take. For example, if my wife is telling a story about our vacation and I think it happened in another way. Um, that's fine. That is her subjective reality and that probably right too. And so there has to be a little give and take. And I got this quote again from my mentor, Terry real, and he says, we can be right, or we can be married. What do we choose another way of looking at that? It's we can be right. Or we can be happy. What do we choose? And we have to let go. We let go. Not only for our partner, but for us and a brace subjective reality. That's it. Thanks for listening. Hey everyone again. Thank you so much for listening to this. I really appreciate it. I would love for a review to sheerness with someone who may benefit to share with your partner who. Always needs to be right, because actually you're the right one. Just joking. Thanks for listening.