51: Having More Sex: Acceptance Vs Control

What’s an effective way to go about having more sex when there are desire discrepancies? 

I’ll also share what I mean by my acceptance vs control.

I’ll address these questions in the context of a recent couples session I had.

To learn more about my couples therapy practice, click here:

https://coloradorelationshiprecovery.com

Transcript

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This is episode 51, having more sex. Acceptance versus control. What's an effective way to go about having more sex when there is a desire discrepancy? I'll address this question in the context of a recent couple session I had. I'll also share what I mean by acceptance versus control. Welcome everyone. This is healthy relationships seekers for parents. The podcast has saved your relationship from parenthood. My mission is to help parents have a thriving relationship and be great pairs in the same time. My name is Jason Polk and I've worked exclusively with couples as a therapist and coach. For over nine years on this podcast, I share my experience professionally. Personally. And as well as those of our amazing guests. So recently I had a couple come into my clinic. It was a heterosexual couple, the male partner wanted more sex and the female partner was okay with how things were and let's call the male partner. Frank, the female partner, Jane. They told me that they had sex a couple of times a week on average. And my first response was, um, I would say as a couple of therapists, who's worked with a lot of couples with kids. Two times a week is on the higher end and the kids were young too. But Frank's response to that comment was. Basically, I'm not okay with that. I want more. Than sex. Two times a week. And hearing this as their couples therapist, there are several places to go with this uh, one way is to first acknowledge this as a strength. Frank is pushing for more connection. And more connection is a good thing. That's the paradigm of a couples therapist. Is that generally we're always pushing and pushing isn't the right word. But we are wanting more connection in terms of sexual, emotional, physical, intellectual, spiritual. Whatever domain of intimacy there is. Generally more connection in any of those domains is a good thing. Another place that I'm Wint upon hearing that. That Frank isn't. Okay. With two times a week. Was sharing a quote from a semi famous. The sex therapist by the name of Barry McCarthy. And Barry said that. A couple of sexual satisfaction plummets after the birth of their first baby. It reignites promptly. After the youngest one goes to college. And after that it brings said, well, I don't want that. That's too long. I may sound like I'm making Frank out to be a big baby, but he was not. When we dug deeper. On this issue. Of not having sex for him. And what sexual intimacy meant to him. He was open enough to share that it meant that. Everything was not okay. If he wasn't having sex with his wife, Jane. That the relationship was not okay. And going deeper. That he was a failure. And thus not worthy. So he was able to disclose some deeper stuff there. That when he got denied. It affected him at the core, essentially. Something's wrong with me? I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy of love. And he would ruminate on this. Another way of saying this. Is that he was on the, what we call toxic shame. Or that the shame train when he got rejected. So some of our work moving forward. Is to help him esteem himself. Recognize that fundamentally he does have worth. This spite whether or not he's having sex with his wife. This is really important work. For Jane. Upon hearing this. I encouraged her when she does say no to sex with Frank. And I also said. Say no is a good thing. If your partner says no to you, celebrate that they're taking care of themselves. And they're not compromising who they are. To be in a relationship with you They're being real to themselves. And so vast, we need to celebrate that. Also if we get a no. We need to celebrate it because we put ourselves out there. In theory. If we get to know after our request, That's a good thing, because we were brave enough to request. And a request can leave us vulnerable because our partner can say no. So going back to Jane, when she does say no. Something nice she can do is to remind Frank that she does love him. She does care about him. This may seem like a little bit extra work for her. But. Upon knowing how rejection affects Frank. This could be a nice gesture. And this also came out. For Jane to be more open. For sex with Frank. She needs to feel emotionally connected to Frank. And this is a very common theme. In my couples therapy. Practice in regards to sex. Generally the female partner once more. Emotional. Connection once more emotional intimacy in order to feel open to sexual intimacy. And it's kind of funny cause it works the opposite way for males generally. That is. They need sexual intimacy. And that feels like emotional connection to them. Or they're more likely to be open. To emotional connection. After there's been sexual connection. So there's one of those things. Uh, one of those things that happens in life. Then the question is what is emotional intimacy? And this will be important for Jane to share. But basically for her. He would be talking about feelings. And this is important too. Treating each other as equals. Feeling like a team. Sharon vulnerability anxieties. Uh, basically sharing what's real with you sharing what's going on in your inner landscape, so to speak. So that is initiating emotional connection by sharing myself with you. And the cool thing about that. That has the power to create connection. To bring the two of you. Closer together. And that's one definition of emotional intimacy. Jane also shared that for an order for her. To be open to sex and to feel more sexual Frank needs to take some things off of her plate. Such as, um, duty with the kids. For example, taking them to appointments, making dinner, being more involved, taking initiative, folding clothes, basically taking things off of her plate. Coming back to the idea of acceptance. What can Frank really control here? One to get more sex, he can initiate more emotional intimacy with Jane. Number two, he can help with things around the house. As I mentioned, To free up more bandwidth for her. If he nags bags or pounds for sex. Jane is not going to feel sexually drawn to him. If she does have sex, maybe as a result of pouting. And she's not really feeling it. And doing it for him, so to speak that doesn't feel good for anyone. And so it's a loss for both partners. Frank needs to use a attraction. And not coercion. And Jade provided him with a roadmap for that, which as I mentioned is initiating emotional intimacy and helping. The last thing Frank can do is to look at himself. To start to work with the discomfort of not having sex. And being able to esteem himself. Despite the number of times that week they had sex. Like, for example, his self worth. Should not be based on if Jane is up for having sex or not. Because fundamentally Frank cannot control that. And he can control. What he does when he does get a no. For example. I want him to get to start celebrating that, even though initially it doesn't feel good. Right. We don't like to be rejected. In regards to the acceptance. I got this from my mentor, Terry real. This is a great question. And is. Can I grieve. What I'm not getting. While accepting what I am getting. So in terms of the question for Frank here. Can I agree with the fact, and I'm not getting as much sex as I like. While accepting all that I am getting from Jane. Now if the answer is no, then that's a deal breaker. And we're going to have to have a different conversation all together. If the answer is yes. I will agreed the fact, and I'm not getting as much sex as I like. And we can even say for now, While I'm accepting all that. I am getting. That's a sign of maturity. Terry reel also said relationships are full of micro disappointments. In regards to control. I want to share this acronym from Alanon that's a L dash a N O N. If you don't know about it, you're interested. You can look it up. The acronym is detach. D E T a C H. According to Alanon. That stands for. Don't even think about changing him or her. And so there you go. Those are ways to have more sex it's better to accept. And try to use a traction. Try to make your partner more open to sex. But if you're going to try to control coerce. You're not going to have more sex. And this was an acronym. I just remembered the, from an interview I had on this podcast with Nicole Coleen. And let me see if I can remember it. It's patience. Minus. Pressure. Equals pleasure. P minus P equals P. And yet this equation, I just looked it up episode number eight, interview with sex and intimacy coach Nicole Coleen. All right, everyone. Thank you so much for listening. I hope this was helpful. Hey everyone. This episode was made released the day before Thanksgiving and I would be so thankful. If you leave us a review and share this with someone who could benefit from this material again, thank you so much for listening. Happy Thanksgiving.