48: What is a foundational relationship tool, that’s not really a tool?

I teach every couple one crucial thing, especially those who fight a lot. 

It's not quite a relationship tool, but you need to practice it for relationship tools to work.

We have a Door A and a Door B and you want to go through Door B.

Find out what exactly that is in this episode.

More about Jason's couples therapy practice.

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Transcript

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What is a foundational relationship tool? That's not really a tool. This is one of the most important things. I teach couples, especially those who fight a lot. So the concept is we have a door, a and we have a door B. And we want to go through door B. welcome everyone. This is healthy relationship secrets for parents. The podcast had saves their relationship from parenthood. My mission is to help parents have a thriving relationship and be great parents at the same time. My name is Jason H. Polk and I've worked at Really with couples is a therapist and coach for over nine years on this podcast. I share my experience professionally and personally, and as well as those of our amazing guests. Let's get to it There's a provocative quote I want to share here. And this is from Terry real and a lot of this concept of door, a door B is from Terry real. I want to give him credit. The question is you can express yourself with no containing boundary. Or you can work towards a solution, but you can't do both. And I'm going to get into that later. To do our part in our relationship. We need to create space from when we are triggered. To our response because when we're triggered, let's face it, we don't care about relationship tools. We can do all the relationship workshops we want. But if we don't work with the parts of us, they get triggered. Then there's no point because again, when we're triggered. We do not care about relationship tools. The only thing we care about is self protection. It's me. I'm right. You're wrong? Go screw yourself. And chances are, you know, what. We know what I'm talking about. And when we're triggered, Terry reel describes this as the whoosh feeling. And again, in this state of mind, all bets are off. And we are in our lower limbic nervous system. And the part of us that makes us a functional adult, the prefrontal cortex. Is offline. And in a way, it's almost like we're, we're drunk. And we will do our safe things. Then we don't really mean. And we think we're entitled to do or say whatever we want to., to tell our partner how bad they suck with no filter. cause a lot of times we think that we are the victim and our partner is the a-hole. And this stance I just shared. Describes a lot of the female clients I work with in a heterosexual relationship. Now this is not all female clients and I'm speaking generally. Most of the time. The female claims in my office most of the time, but those who take this stance, maybe I should say that. They have taken pardon my French some shit from their partner. And then as a result, they often respond with unfiltered anger. Most of the time they feel unheard and dismissed. And so they feel entitled to quote. Offend from the victim position, unquote. That is not the best way to communicate: you hurt me. So I'm going to hurt you. Terry real, his wife, Belinda real calls that. A perverse form of communication. At moments like this, I will validate the female client here because her husband is not hearing her and is dismissive towards her. And usually there's a little bit of judgment there. The husband has a stance of, oh gosh. I'm so logical clear headed. You're so emotional. Oh, my gosh, I can't believe you're doing this. You may or may not know what I'm talking about. And I'll say something to the female client here. Like it's obvious that he is dismissive. He's not hearing you. He's judgmental by calling you too emotional. That must be really painful. That he's doing that to you. And I would add this. Here's the big end. And how you're going about standing up for yourself is setting you two back. And keeping you to in conflict. And going back to the scene. I mentioned earlier. You can express yourself with no filter or you can work towards a solution, but you can't do both. And keeping this even. For a male clients, usually when they're triggered. Their initial knee jerk reaction is shut down in some form. They may leave the situation. They may Stonewall, which stonewalling is being next to your partner and being behind a wall that is, you're not really taking anything in. And you're definitely not letting anything out. It's shut down. And usually the flavor of that Stonewall. It's a great. Here we go again. What is it this time? Uh, you're not over this yet. That flavor will make the female partner here. And this is an example. And it's as often reverse to female partner can do this. The male partner can be the one who's upset. But the partner who was receiving the stonewalling. It almost makes them want to turn the volume up even more. Oh, yeah, you can't hear me now. Now can you hear me now? Can you hear me? Um, And the anger gets louder and louder. And I try to coach those who are stonewalling in the moment. With the advice. Have you tried listening to her or being curious about where she's coming from? But realistic. If someone has shut down like this. Um, they're not in a head space to do something like that. You know, they don't have enough bandwidth to use the relationship tool because they are in their lower limbic system. And they don't have the bandwidth. To be a functional adult as we call it. And so what we have to do is we have to cultivate space from when they're triggered to their response. And the first thing you got to do in order to do this is to be aware of what your usual response is. And like I mentioned, we call this door a door a is our same old, same old. It is our knee jerk reaction. And that is either fight flight or fix. Some of us have a one, two combo. For example, my door a is fight. And then flight. And I passively aggressively withdraw with the best of them. If I'm tired, I'm more likely to go through door a for example, if it's the end of the day and I'm tired and I see the places messy. I want to tell my wife to put her freaking clothes away. However, if I said it in that manner, she would get defensive and probably tell me. The huge long list of all the stuff that she's doing for the family. And she would feel judged and that's actually one of her criticisms of me. Is that I can be judgemental. I can be on my high horse. Oh, I'm the therapist, coach. I know everything. But let's be real as more of that kind of. Entitled male judgment. Uh, my indulgence in patriarchy., but that's a whole different topic altogether. But let's play this out. Say I do go through Door A I'd tell her. What the hell you been doing all day? This place is a wreck. And she works from home by the way. If I said that she would get defensive and say, really. I've been working all day doing our daughter's laundry and the same time managing our budget. And oh yeah, I signed our daughter up for gymnastics. Then this is where my passive aggressive withdrawal comes in. I would probably say something like, oh yeah, whatever. See, I can't say anything to you. And then I'd shut down for a couple of days or longer. And it would be really icy at home. So that's, if I go through door a. There's a good possibility of that happening. Going through door B is essentially. Not going through door a. As being aware of my knee jerk reaction to in a way pick a fight, via judgment. And do the opposite. Or at the least. Not opening my mouth. Or if I'm going to shut down, I'm going to take appropriate space. So for example, Going using this same scenario, if I'm tired and triggered, when I get home and I see the mess, this is my door B, and this is what I really do. I literally tell myself. Jason shut up. Don't say anything.. Then if I get a good night's sleep. And I want to. Talk about the mess. I do. So when I'm in a centered state of mind, And maybe something like, you know, dear I've noticed the place has been messy of late. Let's revisit our chore list. Doesn't that sound better than what the freaky been doing all day. You know, My door when I'm triggered is to pick a fight via judgment. But if I can cultivate space from when I'm triggered to my response. The relationship is going to be in a better place it's in my best interest And sometimes it's just putting a limit on what we say. It's cultivating a containing boundary. Being cognizant of what I let out my mouth. So if your door a is fight. Basically, what you do is low down and think to yourself. Maybe I can hold off, expressing myself with no filter and wait until I'm calmed down. If you do that. That will have huge dividends in your relationship. Especially if your knee jerk reaction is fight. If your door a is flight. What you do is take appropriate space. For example, say you're triggered you. Find yourself stonewalling. You find yourself wanting to leave. I want you to do so, because I think space is so important., but say something like, you know what? I need to walk around the block. I'll be back in 20 minutes. It's also important that you come back when you said you would. So come back and have 20 minutes. Explanation, mark. That's really important. Otherwise, it's not appropriate space. Going back to the quote I mentioned. I can express myself or I can work towards a solution. I can't do both. Of course has the time for expressing. You know, expressing. How the mess makes me feel. But I need to do so when I'm not triggered. So essentially what we're doing. Is cultivating space space from one more triggered to our response. We're not going through Door A. Whether that's fight flight or fix, and a quick note on fix the way I look at fix is that desperate energy of, oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Things are not right. What do I do? What do I do? How can I fix it? And we may compromise ourselves in order to try to make things right. Another way I look at fix. Hey, whatever. Everything's okay. There's nothing to worry about. C'mon let's just be happy. It sounds silly now saying it, but that can lead to a partner, not feeling heard. And so. The opposite of fix is slowing down. And listening. Knowing that. If you don't come up with solution, then in there. Is going to be okay. Essentially if couples. Aren't a bad place. What I'd tell them. What we want. Is something different. What we don't want is more of the same. So awesome. I hope everyone chooses door B. Thank you so much for listening. Hey, thanks again. And if this has resonated with you, please like give a good review, share this with your friends. I would love that so much. And here's the choosing Door B