45: A Tool For Couples That Fight A Lot

The purpose of this tool is to create awareness of the Core Negative Image (CNI) you have of your partner.

It also helps if your partner does this exercise as well.

Here, you'll learn to stop when "CNI triggered" and how to behave in a way that helps your partner feel at ease.

Here's the CNI Handout I went through.

Transcript

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What is a core negative image and how can understand this concept help you have less conflict and less fights This is healthy relationship secrets for parents. The podcast has saved your relationship from parenthood. My mission is to help parents have a thriving relationship and be great parents at the same time. My name is Jason Polk, and I've worked exclusively with couples as a therapist and coach for over nine years. On this podcast i share my experience professionally and personally as well as those of our amazing guests A core negative image also known as c n i is how we see our partner when triggered by something they said or did It's a negative caricature of our partner at their worst Another way to put it. It's like our worst fears Coming alive in our partner. It's a deep fear because we may have experienced such behavior growing up. So when we're CNI triggered, that means we have a lens and we're viewing our partner through that lens of the negative image we have of them. And the reason why we talk about this is to make that C and I explicit for both people because when we are in C and I triggered and we're engaging with our partner. It's kind of like a Chinese finger trap, where the more we try to pull out of it, the more we stay stuck. So that's a reason for making the CNI we have of our partner explicit. And the idea of the Core Negative Image was developed by my mentor, Terry Real. And the Relationship Therapy Group, they have an exercise for the CNI and I'm going to walk through it using my own relationship and put this concept to use in your relationship. Again, so the purpose of this is to end vicious and repetitive cycles, The first thing you do is to make the core negative image of each other Explicit. Again, the relationship therapy group developed this worksheet. And the first question is in a paragraph, write your CNI of your partner. Basically what that means is you list out adjectives that describe your partner when he or she is at their worst. And you list out adjectives such as lazy, stubborn, whatever it is, et cetera. And reflecting on this, the negative adjective that I have of my wife when I am CNI triggered by her is that she's anxious, messy, and unaffectionate. And you may be thinking, geez, Jason, that sounds a little bit harsh. Well, the thing is, a reminder, is that this is a caricature. of my partner at their worst. Times when they're doing well, times when I'm doing well, I don't look at them through this lens. And so that's important. Then the next question is, What is your partner's C& I of you? And I haven't done this with Jess in a while, and maybe we should do this. But hers would be, at least as of now, I think it would be judgmental, critical, uh, we'll throw in manchild, spendthrift. Basically kind of crappy with money, and that would be the CNI, she has of me. And the next question is, is there a childhood link of your CNI to your childhood experience growing up? And, if so, put a check next to each adjective. And doing some reflection on this, definitely checks to, two of them. And those two are anxious and an affectionate. I would say that my mom was anxious and kind of a worrywart. And definitely that my dad was an affectionate. Because the combo of those two. Would be my worst fears coming true, because that was an experience or a theme. That i did not particularly like growing up In regards to the adjective of uninfectious that that was something that I didn't get. And so it took a little bit of time to reflect on that. To be aware of that lack. And now. I know it's something that i wished that i had So when she's triggered when i'm triggered it's almost like we have one foot in the present and one foot in the past the next part of this is to acknowledge the truth of your CNI. And the worksheet says this can be liberating, so instead of denying it, be like, oh my god, my wife is so wrong by thinking I'm just mental critical, man child spendthrift, you know. I embrace it because In a way, there is some truth in it, however, it is an exaggeration of me at my worst and it does not acknowledge me on my best day or a normal day, but there is some truth in it. And likewise, she would admit that there is some truth to my CNI I have of her. And step number three, identify CNI busting behaviors. So this is important. Me knowing that my wife, C and I, and me is judgmental, critical, spendthrift. I do the opposite. So this is actually something that I've worked on times when I'm just mental. Uh, sometimes comes up when I'm tired. I can be more critical. I can be just mental. And this is the checklist that I do. I tell myself, Jason, what are all the good things that she's doing? If that works, cool. Next thing I do, if that doesn't work, uh, Understand my part, you know, if I'm being just mental, cause the house is messy. I'll think about what is my part in that. If that doesn't work, and sometimes it doesn't when I'm tired, the last thing I will do is simply tell myself, Jason, don't speak. If I'm in that just mental state of mind, don't speak. Because that can be a CNI trigger for her. And when it comes to spendthrift, this is definitely something we worked on, because I have been pretty crappy with money in the past. If I walk up to her and I say, Hey, dear, let's talk about the budget, that would be a CNI busting behavior that I would do for her. And also if I acknowledge something that she's doing is good. If I give her some appreciation, that, in a way, is the opposite of judgmental. That would be a C& I busting behavior that I could do for her. And likewise, for me, I said, anxious, and affectionate, she comes up to me and gives me a hug. That's a C& I busting behavior. It doesn't have to be big. Also, I didn't add there, I think she can be a little bit tight with money, probably because I've been so irresponsible with money. Um, someone has to. That's a common dynamic in relationships. But if she says, hey Jason, I got a sitter and let's go out to sushi. Oh right, that would be a C& I busting behavior that she could do. And so this is important. In a way it can be a compass. And, uh. exercise here says, this is your operating instructions. And so basically knowing these adjectives, the negative image that Jess has of me, basically what I can do is the opposite. And the worksheet says, and Terry Real says this as well, anytime you behave the opposite of your partner C and I, your behaviors reassure your partner. And then the last thing to do, and this is in terms of having less conflict, and this takes a little bit of insight and awareness. The next time you two are triggered, simply stop. The worksheet recommends set up dead stop contracts. So this relies on both partners cooperation. But basically, this is an agreement to end the fight. So, when you have identified each other's C and Is, If you notice that you're CNI triggered, that is the cue to stop. Because if you hang in there each other through the lens of the negative image you have of each other, it's not gonna go well. And so, whenever you hear the agreed upon signal that you two have, you come to a dead stop. And basically, you pledge to honor it. So, that is it. To identify the negative image you have of each other. And when triggered, stop. And the next thing you do is to identify behaviors that are the opposite. And this will create positive sentiment. Which in theory will make it so there is less conflict. A lot of times conflict comes because both partners end up assuming the worst. Are quick to be CNI triggered. But if you start to build that positive sentiment, then, you have more bandwidth and you'll be less triggered. So give that a go. And I'm going to put the link to the exercise in the show notes. And also the concept of the core negative image is in A New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real it really helps and it helps a lot of couples that I work with. Thanks for listening.