40: Finding Time For the Relationship, Is That Possible?

This is one of the biggest complaints for parents.

Our time is devoted to kids, work, exercise, then maybe the relationship…

Where do we find time for the relationship?

But... You will feel better if you two move the relationship up in your priorities. You will be a better parent, live longer, and have improved memory. You are also modeling a good relationship for your kids.

Here's a link to the State of the Union meetings John Gottman developed.

Here's a link to Jason's Couples Therapy practice. 

Transcript

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Finding time for the relationship. Is that possible? This is one of the biggest complaints for parents. Our time is devoted to our kids, work, exercise, hobbies, then maybe the relationship? This is Healthy Relationships Secrets for Parents, the podcast that saves your relationship from parenthood. My mission is to help parents have a thriving relationship. And be great parents at the same time. My name is Jason A. Polk, and I've worked exclusively with couples as a therapist and coach for over nine years on this podcast. I share my experience professionally and personally, as well as those of our amazing guests. The question is, where do we find time for the relationship? If you two move the relationship up in your priorities, you will feel better. You will be a better parent and will live longer and will have improved memory. You are also modeling a good relationship for your kids. But the problem is, as parents, we are so busy. We're going to explore a tool that a prominent couples researcher has developed to help us with this predicament. So, finding time for the relationship, is that possible? Of course, the answer is yes. Yes, but why is it so hard? A better question to ask first is, why is finding a good time for the relationship a good idea? The whole theory of this podcast is that if we have a healthy relationship, we will be better parents. We will also feel better emotionally and physically. And that's based on this Harvard study that shows those who live the longest And had the best memory. Had healthy relationships. Or we could say, a healthy relationship with their partner. I don't know if it says that specifically, but that's what I'm going with. Nevertheless, healthy relationships. And, like I mentioned, also, we model A healthy relationship for our kids, which is really important to add more motivation for finding time for the relationship. As I mentioned, John Gottman, who is a couples researcher, believes that putting more time into your relationship has more health benefits than joining a gym. And for you gym people out there, uh, I don't know. You may or may not buy that. Uh, I love exercise. I love working out. And even as a couples therapy, I wonder if that's true. But also I see the truth in that. Because when my wife and I are feeling connected, life just feels better. Period. Putting time into your relationships. Putting time into your relationship saves you time that you may spend fighting or being in icy withdrawal, whatever your flavor of disconnection is. And this is a true story, a colleague of mine who actually interviewed on this show, and she said that one time a couple said they couldn't meet with her because they didn't have any time. But it proved that during a session, they managed to find time to have two hour fights every week. And that is a good point, because finding time for the relationship to make connection will save you time fighting and in periods where the relationship feels like crap. I've mentioned this before, my wife and I's flavor of disconnection. Well, let me back up a little bit. I think there's fundamentally two flavors of disconnection and that could be icy withdrawal, feeling like roommates, being cost sharing associates, whatever you want to call it. The other end of the spectrum, and it's a spectrum, are those couples who tend to be fighters. My wife and I's flavor is icy withdrawal, or being roommates, being co parents. However, if we put time in the relationship to maintain connection, we spend less time there. The question is, where do we find time? After our kids go to bed, and I'm sure you can relate. I'm spent. I'm a morning person through and through. And basically all I can do after the kids go down is watch TV. So this is what happens during the week normally. It's, we put the kids down and then Jess, my wife, and I will chat for a bit about how the night time routine went. Uh, maybe a little bit about the day. Normally we talk about our day before this. Then we will watch our TV show. And I want to frame it. This is a good thing. Spending time together on the couch, sharing an episode, as long as we're not watching those crazy crime shows that she loves. And also, we have to have a win win, too. If I have my druthers, I'll be watching some Marvel movies, some James Bond action movies, but she's really not into that. So, we find what works for both of us, and we have a win win in terms of what we watch on TV. So, this is a good thing. however, I look at putting time into the relationship as adding great things to your relationship. And let me define great things from my perspective using the example of our relationship. I define these things as great. And these are things that Jess and I do, and of course, not every day. for example, we may have coffee on the porch in the morning before the kids wake up. We may get a sitter and play nine holes in the evening. Again, get a sitter and then go to our favorite sushi restaurant. And here's a big one that has really been beneficial for us. And as you know, a couple episodes back, I shared that my wife and I need to go to couples therapy, and that's the title of the episode. Going to couples therapy for us has helped so much. As I mentioned, our style of disconnection is withdrawal. And Couples Therapy encourages us to have tough conversations in a safe environment and has been beneficial for us. And we really like our therapist, which is also important as well. Uh, we may go on a hike together, simply giving each other a hug, having sex, sharing vulnerability, which is our tough days and challenges. And then as a listener, we basically reflect back what we heard. And this is a subtle but important point. If we're going to offer advice. We ask first after we listen, for example, that was really tough. Gosh, I'm so sorry, dear. Then if we want to offer advice, we'll say, are you up for some advice? a true story, Jess will normally say no. And fair enough. I'm not going to offer advice because chances are she had probably already thought about and knows what to do. But that is a side note. We may check in when needed. And this is the tool that I want to share that John Gottman has built a tool. And he calls it the State of the Union Meeting. So basically what it means is that once a week, you will check in with your partner about how things have been going. And in the tool, I love it, he shares to start with appreciation, give each other the best chance for having a productive conversation by setting the vibe that you appreciate each other. And that the whole reason you're doing this is to make things better. You're not trying to make your partner feel like crap. You're not trying to pummel your partner, so to speak. If they come through for you, you're going to win. So, starting with appreciation is great. And this is also a great thing, too. I would say, be active in your appreciation day to day. And it doesn't have to be huge things. It could be small things. Hey, thank you for taking out the trash today. What also goes pretty good, too, if you can appreciate qualities, or things that you were attracted to in your partner in the first place. For example, gosh, thank you for being so thoughtful. And being parents, this one goes a long way too. Gosh, you're a great mom or you're a great dad, whatever that is. So appreciation is really important. And these are some examples of making time for the relationship. And I define these as quote unquote, great things. The purpose of sharing our list is to not make you feel bad if you don't do these things. So basically I don't want you to compare and be like, Oh my gosh, you know, Jess and Jason, they do way more than us or even compare on the other end of the spectrum we do way better than they do. Um, if you do kudos to you, congrats and count your blessings. The purpose of sharing this list is that they don't have to be drastic measures. And with this list, you can make time during your week. Like, for example, giving each other a hug is not going to cost you an hour. Unless you hug for an hour, that's fine. Basically, you have to be more intentional. about the relationship, about making time for the relationship. And it's important to remember why, why we need to do this. The epiphany that came out in our couples therapy recently was that even small tweaks for the relationship can go a long way. So in summary, If you want more connection, you don't have to do these huge, drastic things. But, if you want the relationship to feel better, simply, you have to put more time into the relationship, more time into maintaining connection. And in doing so, you will spend less time fighting or being in icy withdrawal. And why do we do this? It is because we will feel better. We will live longer, and we will model a healthy relationship for our kids. That's it. This was a quick one. Thank you so much for listening. And, as always, my only request is, if you like this, then give us a rating, and share this with anyone who could benefit from this material. Thank you so much for listening.