38: Get Your Eyeballs Off Your Partner and Put Them On Yourself: Inner Child Work

What can we do when were triggered by our partner?

There’s a quote by Pia Mellody, “Being a functional adult is taking care of our wounding, instead of letting it loose on others…”

How do we do this?

If we can, we will be better partners and parents.

Jason A Polk is a couples therapist and relationship coach. He's worked with couples for over nine years.

Click here to learn more about his couples counseling practice!

Transcript

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Get your eyeballs off your partner and put them on yourself. What can we do when we're triggered by our partner? This is Healthy Relationship Secrets for Parents. The podcast that saves your relationship from parenthood. My mission is to help parents have a thriving relationship and be great parents at the same time. My name is Jason A. Polk and I've worked exclusively with couples as a therapist and coach for over nine years. On this podcast, I share my experience professionally, personally, and those of our amazing guests. So, the question is: we all get triggered by our partners. How can we work with that? There's a quote by Pia Melody, and she's a therapist, uh, type person. And the quote goes, Being a functional adult is wounding instead of letting our wounding loose on others. How do we do this? I do know if we can do this to varying degrees, we're going to be better parents and partners. The provocative advice in the title of this episode, Get Your Eyeballs Off Your Partner and Put Them on Yourself, is for a particular type of person. If you go back to episode 32 about attachment styles, this is for a person who shows up like a wave. And a person like this tends to be more preoccupied with connection and the lack thereof. This is not for someone who shows up like an island because they do too much of this anyway. What I mean by that is someone who shows up like an island generally needs to put their eyeballs more on their partner, literally and figuratively, and less on themselves. So, let me share an example. from my practice. There was a couple that I worked with and they came in in distress. Like, should we get divorced? Underlying their distress was a common dynamic called the Pursue Withdrawal Cycle. One partner pursues connection because they sense the other's distance, and that pursuit, if nothing happens, may turn into a complaint, which may eventually turn into demands. And then demands caused the withdrawler to withdraw even more, which eventually leads to a nasty cycle. They had an issue at home with the cabinets. And yes, cabinets, like kitchen cabinets. And of course, this wasn't their main issue, but it was very representative of their dynamic. This was a heterosexual couple and she asked him to please shut the cabinets after he used them. And she would do this very often, um, sometimes complain and sometimes get angry if the cabinets were left open. She would do this because often he would forget. And I believed him. He said that he just kind of spaced it out. He was operating on autopilot, so to speak. And he wasn't doing it to be vindictive. However, she would get very mad at him for this. And her underlying hurt was, obviously you don't care about me, otherwise you would listen to me, and close the cabinets. I understand her perspective, and my advice to her was essentially this, but in a nicer way. It was get your eyeballs off your partner and put them on yourself and a quick note here You know, they were both partners in crime. We're focusing on her side of the relationship for this episode, but He would withdraw and then he would sort of be judgmental of her for wanting connection And so, you know, there's no, there's no angels here, right? There's also no devils. And so maybe in next episode, I'll make it for the partner who tends to withdraw more, who has a tendency for space. And we call those the islands. And the title of the episode will be get your eyeballs off yourself and put them on your partner Which is be interested in initiating more connection, you know, be aware of what they want and need But that's not for this episode So, going back to this current episode, um, she needed to look at her side of this in regards to the cabinets. And the question comes up, does forgetting to close the cabinets mean that he doesn't care about her? That he didn't love her? And one of the things that disproved this was the very fact that he was in my office and open to doing therapy with the goal to make things better. And you could tell he was open to it. You know, sometimes people come into the therapist's office and they're not really keen to therapy. But it was clear, he wanted it, she wanted it, and they were doing so to make things better. And these type of couples, even if they are on the brink of divorce, if they're motivated,, the prognostics, I think that's the word, is very good. Um, the key is motivation. Here's the real issue, often someone who shows up like a wave, again refer to episode 32, but briefly, they value connection more, and are aware of the lack thereof. Someone who shows up like a wave sometimes has a core belief that they are unlovable or that they are not worthy of love or they never experienced healthy, consistent love growing up. So, no wonder they are preoccupied with connection or lack thereof. She needed to take care of that younger ego state that got triggered by the cabinets being open. There's a quote from a movie I really like. And the movie is called Wet Hot American Summer. Have you seen it? Cool? If not, I'm going to give a brief plot description. But in that movie, one of the main characters gets dumped by a girl on the last day of summer camp. And he goes to the camp cook who, by the way, talks to a can of vegetables, and the can of vegetables talks back to him. You're gonna have to watch it if you haven't seen it. I'm saying it's a pretty funny movie. And, he seeks the camp cook out for advice. The cook trains him, kinda like Star Wars style, like the cook is the Yoda, and gives him some advice. And that advice is... It is about the girl, but it isn't. Just like it's about the cabinets, but it isn't. She needed to work with that younger ego state that got triggered, here's a sneak peek into some of the therapy we did. And granted, this is a paraphrase, and also a part of it may be and. amalgamation of what usually happens when we do this work and we call it inner child work. So during the session, when we talked about the cabinets, I asked her what she was feeling in the moment. And she said, frustration, hopelessness. And here I was more interested in that hopeless feeling. And I asked her, How old? How old is that hopeless feeling? She paused and said, I remember feeling this when I was eight when my dad left. Here it's like, okay, we're definitely getting into something significant here and also very painful. from my perspective, this is so interesting because part of the story she made up when she was eight was that her dad left because of her. And that's a lot to carry as an eight year old. This is where her narrative started and the core belief of, I'm unlovable. A result of this in her adult life led her to be vigilant to any evidence that suggests, You really don't love me anyway, do you? So, it makes sense. With her vulnerability and being open to sharing that, I then asked her, Are you up for doing something experiential? This is where we would do some inner child work, And she said yes. I said, I want you to close your eyes, and in your mind's eye, picture that eight year old. Where is she? What is she doing? And let me know when you got her. She said she did. I said, from your wise adult self. The part of you that can have empathy and be spiritual, introduce yourself. Say in your own words, I'm you all grown up and I'd like to talk with you. And she repeated that. I said, what did that eight year old say? Is she up for having a talk? And she said, yeah, she's up for it. Then I said I want you to ask the eight year old you if She wanted to stay where she was or go somewhere else and she pictured her at school So she visualized them having a conversation outside at the playground. So boom transported there and then I asked her anything that you would like to say to the eight year old you Knowing that her dad just left. She paused and said to her, I know your dad just left you, and you are so sad. I want you to know that it's not your fault. I asked her, What is that 8 year old doing now? She said, she likes what she's hearing, but she's a little guarded. I said, that's totally understandable. I asked her, if you could scan her little body, what is she feeling? She said, a little bit of anxiety, but also a little bit of hope. I said, what is she hopeful about? And she said that someone is here for her now. I said, tell her that. Tell her that you are here for her now. And she repeated just that. I said, tell her that you will never leave her. This is where my client, got emotional. I asked her, what are you feeling? And she said, sadness. And then she started to cry. And we paused here for a moment. I said, that's the little girl's tears. I'm so glad you can feel that for her now. And kind of leaving the scene for a little bit of the explanation here. The idea is to release some of those younger feelings of sadness and hopelessness. Also to start to have compassion for herself when these older feelings are triggered. So instead of reacting to the hurt, she cultivates a kinder relationship with it. I mentioned this person earlier, Pia Melody. She said, Being a functional adult is taking care of our wounding instead of letting our wounding loose on other people. So we take care of it. That was what I was hopefully helping her do. Going back to the scene in my therapy office, I then asked, Is there anything you want to say to her now? And that is to her eight year old self. She said, and I remember this. This is, when things like this happen, it's a very beautiful, rich moment. And she said, I love you, and I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I said, can you tell her that you will be here for her now? She did. She said just that. I then said, Can you tell her, you can work with my husband now, and she doesn't have to? And, coming out of the scene, the idea behind this is to help her cultivate the wise adult part of her that can use tools, that can request instead of complain, for example, and knows that his leaving the cabinets open does not mean that he doesn't love her. Then, we close our visualization with her putting that little girl back into her heart. If older feelings get triggered by something, a better approach is to look inward. We can do that by doing this type of inner child work. We can also do it by simply being mindful of the difficult feelings. The point is that we need to put our eyeballs on ourselves, and we often have to work through some of our old stuff. Again, going back to what I mentioned earlier. Jan Bergstrom said, If it's hysterical, it's historical. In a subsequent session with this client, she asked, So what am I supposed to do when the cabinets are open? I said, first, have a compassionate conversation with that eight year old you, if need be. Then, after you are more centered and settled, Then you have more options. One, you can leave them open and tolerate how that feels. Another option, you could simply close them yourself. I think that's one of my favorite ones. And the last one, and this is a big one. You can grieve the fact that he may leave the cabinets open from time to time while you appreciate what you are getting from the relationship. All of these options beat letting your hurt loose on him in an angry manner. And thus, you are more likely to have a healthy relationship. There's a relationship secret right there for you. And the summary is to get your eyeballs off your partner and put them on yourself. This statement implies owning your own power. And going back to a previous episode, is that your partner doesn't make you mad, you do. And personally, I'm not the best at that. But the idea is, that I can look at my side of things. I can look at what's going on with me, and then doing so, I have more options. So thank you so much for listening. I truly hope this is helpful. And again, as always, I'd love for you to share, like, and review. Thanks for listening.