43: What kills love? How can you repair that? with Cheri Timko

First question: What kills love?

Second question: How can you repair that?

Third question:  Should we let our kids have every resource of ours?

This episode is some highlights from a talk I had with Cheri Timko. Cheri is a  Couples Relationship Coach who helps couples thrive in their marriages.  She is the owner of Synergy Coaching.

Cheri has the ability to make complex things like how to have a healthy relationship simple.

See highlights from the podcast on TikTok & Instagram

Transcript

Cheri: 0:00

Synergy is the intersection of what both of you need so that you find a solution that you both feel good about. Not compromise. Synergy.

0:13

What's toxic to love. And how do we repair it today? I'm sharing a very special interview I had with Sherry Timco and since its interview, I've been using her apology frame with almost every couple. I work with. She also shares another way to repair in this brief episode. This is healthy relationships secrets for parents. The podcast. Had saved your relationship from parenthood. My mission is to help parents have a thriving relationship and be great parents at the same time. Sherri Timco is a relationship coach and a relationship therapist. She also has the ability to make complex things like how to have a healthy relationship. Simple. We also discuss should we let our kids have every resource of ours check it out

Jason: 1:03

Welcome Sherry Timco, owner of Synergy Coaching. Sherry, I'd like to start out. What do you do and why do you do it?

Cheri: 1:14

I am a couples coach. And I am a psychotherapist who's worked with couples for many years. I just believe that every couple has the possibility of having a really great relationship met very few couples that is not true of. And I just want to help couples connect. and live well together so that they live out that dream that they had when they got married, when they were like, Hey, this is my person. They're going to be there for me. We're going to have a good relationship and help them really live that out. Great.

Jason: 1:55

Sherry, from your experience, And this is a very broad question. So go about it however you like to go. What gets in the way of the dream?

Cheri: 2:05

Oh, yes. Okay. This is, this is such a good question because we all have these hopes and dreams and then we get sidetracked. So what I believe is that every couple has these hurts that happen, these relationship injuries, things like, Not handling a situation well or not being there for your partner or saying something that's too harsh or getting into an argument. And what couples do is they let that stuff build up, they don't clear it away, as it happens, clearing it away would be like making amends or apologizing or finding a solution to that problem. So instead they let that. Disappointment and frustration and hurt build up and that that becomes resentment and bitterness and that resentment and bitterness are toxic to feeling in love. They're like poison to it. So if you don't have a regular way of like cleaning that stuff out, like you're setting yourself up to kill that love.

Jason: 3:19

Yeah. Resentment and bitterness. Not good things for the relationship. Can you give an example of a way to clear it out? You know, clear out the resentment?

Cheri: 3:31

Well, there's a lot of ways to clean it out. Uh, and it, it really depends on what matters most to you. But the example that most people. really grasp without much explanation is a good apology. Now, there are lots and lots of bad apologies. Just apologizing is not enough. It's got to be an apology that takes some responsibility for your part in it that acknowledges the hurt for the other person and has a plan for how you're

Jason: 4:11

Okay, let me make sure I got this. So apology for your part in it. And I think I'm gonna miss something. You said a plan. For how this won't happen in the future. Did I miss something there?

Cheri: 4:25

The third thing is some acknowledgement of how you hurt the other person. Now people need something different in apologies. So it could be that when you apologize and you just hit one of those, if it's the right one, Then that's a good apology. But people are terrible at apologies. They'll say things like, um, I'm sorry, but here are all the reasons why I was right. It just wipes out the apology. So you didn't actually clean anything

Jason: 4:58

up. What if someone says. I'm sorry that you feel that way.

Cheri: 5:07

Yes, I'm sorry that your reaction was poor. That may in fact be true, but that does not clean anything up.

Jason: 5:15

Okay, I gotcha. thank you for breaking down, components of an apology because that's really important, be able to clear the air because, conflict is going to come up. in relationships and being able to clear that out. So resentment and bitterness doesn't build.

Cheri: 5:35

Let me give you a second repair because this is so important that, I like people to have lots of different ways of cleaning this stuff out. Another way is to actually solve a problem. Now, a lot of times we will get into an argument and then we'll let it drop and we won't come back and actually solve the problem or we'll jump in and be like, okay, we'll just do what you want, or we'll just do my solution. Okay, solving a problem is actually sitting with a problem long enough. that you find a solution that both partners can get behind. When you rush to a solution, very often that solution falls apart because someone agreed to it, but didn't really believe in it.

Jason: 6:22

Sitting with it long enough to get to, a win win, so to speak.

Cheri: 6:26

Yeah. And if somebody won and somebody lost, that's a loss for the relationship.

Jason: 6:32

Well, do you think that a win win may not be possible sometimes.

Cheri: 6:37

Oh, people love to throw that at me. You know, here's what people do. they say, here's my solution and here's your solution. And what we're going to do is try is battle it out and try and figure out who can win by pulling the other person over to their solution. Okay. A real trick to this is to say, If your solution is off the table and my solution is off the table, what would we do?

Jason: 7:11

Hmm. Interesting.

Cheri: 7:13

So then they have to think beyond those two solutions. And it is very rare that I see a problem that doesn't have 10 or 15 or 20 ways of solving that problem, but we get fixated and like dig in and get real stubborn about that one thing that be that if you were on your own, that would be a perfectly good solution. But you're in a relationship, so you're not really looking for one solution or the other solution. You're really looking for what is our solution, and that might be very different. So, like, putting down your pet solutions and saying, what else is there? Sometimes you might still come back to one solution or the other, but you will have explored the other things that you could do that you could solve this. Often you end up with a much, much better solution that meets both partners needs.

Jason: 8:15

So is it fair to say what you are saying is often couples can get into an argument about With solution is writer or my way is the right way. And they're just arguing that.

Cheri: 8:28

Yes. And that's a power struggle. That's actually not problem

Jason: 8:32

solving. Interesting. I like how you frame it as a power struggle. It's not problem solving. I really liked this concept I heard it on a podcast. I was listening to, sharing power or power with. Not power over., I really love that concept so much. So that's what you're sharing. But what about the word compromise?

Cheri: 8:56

I think compromise sucks. I, I really, this is one of my things. I think compromise sucks. Compromise means that one of two things happens. I let you win this time and you let me win next time and we kind of keep track of that. Or it means you get half of what you want and I get half of what I want and both of us are disappointed because we had to give up half of what we wanted. I feel so strongly about this, that this is why I named my business. What I did. Synergy is the intersection of what both of you need so that you find a solution that you both feel good about. Not compromise. Synergy. And the true, a sweet spot is when you find a win, win, win, win. Okay. That is I win. You win. Our kid wins. our community wins, that this is not just you and me. This is also this like ripple effect, that when you find those really good solutions to things, it brings everything into a much bigger harmony. Yeah,

Jason: 10:12

that's great. I agree. And maybe I'm getting fixated on this, but can you do, like a win win, I guess I think of the word like horse trading, right? I'll go with you to your work event, but tomorrow I'm going to go golf all day. I don't know. Or would you consider that? I mean, maybe I'm getting into semantics here, but I guess if you're both okay with it. That's a win win. Did I get that right?

Cheri: 10:40

That can be, you know, there is no formula for this. Couples have to work this out. And so if they are really comfortable with, I'm going to go to your thing. I get to do the thing I want to. And they both feel like that is their best solution., I like to think of it as A really good relationship is the intersection of two different personalities. So you can't just take a solution that works for one couple and put it on another couple. They actually have to find their own process and their own sweet spot. But if you took either of those people out of that couple and put them in a different couple, that sweet spot is going to be at a different place. So your solution absolutely could win, be a win win for a couple if they're both like, so if you can go to that event. And you have a good attitude and you're really present with your partner. And then you go golfing and your partner has something else to do. And they're not sitting home thinking, Oh, you left me and here I am all by myself. And you always go and do that. If you're not doing that, then that can really be. A good win

Jason: 11:57

win. I gotcha. I love the idea that the synergy about what you were talking about, the intersection of two different, would you say this is a component of having a truly extraordinary relationship.

Cheri: 12:14

Yes. I'm going to get a little bit technical for a minute because I think when you have this framework, it really helps with the whole big picture. I found that there are three systems that have to work well for a couple to have a great relationship. The first is to have good relationship habits. Okay. A good relationship habit is like, um, after work we talk for 20 minutes and just find out how each other's day is. Or in the morning, one of us brings the other coffee, and we just have a moment of making eye contact, asking how they slept, and just checking in. Now, those relationships are very individual to the two people. They are the, that place where they both enjoy, both can follow through on things that they do every day. So that's one system. The next system is that they have to have ways to work through problems. You're supposed to have problems. You're supposed to be different. You're supposed to have to figure out how to live well together. So you have to have rules and the system and a way of doing that that actually gets you to a good solution. And the third system is that every couple needs some. tools to clean up relationship injuries, that it is inevitable. You cannot be close to your partner without hurting them and them hurting you. Now, I always hope that they're little hurts, like you didn't ask the right question, or we got into an argument and you said some harsh things, but couples have all sorts of relationship injuries all the way to affairs to leave it like not being there for the other person, all kinds of relationship injuries, and they're, they're inevitable. They're part of true love. So they've got to have some tools to clean those up. So if you have those three systems and they work well, then it, it allows that love that you felt for each other in the beginnings to flow and you feel good about each other. You feel good about the relationship and you feel confident that you can handle things.

Jason: 14:44

I love it. I like how you break it down into three systems. I know with being parents and myself being a new parent, we run into, the problem of time, making time, can you comment on that? You know, having a good relationship and being new parents. I don't know if you have tips and tricks. I know you mentioned you have three teenage daughters. So any nuggets you can share for us.

Cheri: 15:12

I do have three teenage daughters. And I have loved being a parent. And I love that it's coming to an end.

Jason: 15:24

Um,

Cheri: 15:25

time is Time is such a hard thing. kids will use whatever resources available to them. If it's, if they have access to it, they will take it. Time, money, energy, sleep, like whatever is available to them. They are going to use that. If you're going to have a good relationship with your partner, it's because you don't let them have every resource. You have these, even something as simple as when you get up in the morning, you have. three minutes and you check in with each other when you get home at the end of the day. Yes, you take care of the kids, you get them where they need to, but you know that at some point during that evening, you are going to have 10 to 15 minutes, even if there's kids under the underfoot where you make eye contact and talk about your day. And that those are about being intentional and not letting them just slip, slip by. Now it's great if you can have a date night and a date night doesn't mean you need to leave the house. The date night might be, we put the kids to bed on a Wednesday and we sit with each other for half an hour or an hour and we just catch up. but not every couple has the time or energy to do that. So these little relationship habits become a touch point throughout your day, which keep you grounded and connected as you're going through all of the other things.

Jason: 17:05

So cool. I feel like I had a little mini epiphany, how you framed it was the kids will take time, money, energy, anything available from you. So what you said is to have boundaries around it. Loving boundaries, right? We're not like putting walls, but I and feel free to correct his statement under the understanding, the more you can make for each other. The better parents, you're going to be and the better you're going to feel.

Cheri: 17:40

Maybe this isn't even the right term to throw in here. But I think of the term energy vampires. Yeah, and like kids, it's just in their nature that they are going to take what's available to them. They learn the rules of the system. They're not exploiting the rules. They're following the rules. But if you set up the rules that they have access to you 24 seven, any need at all. They're going to, they're going to use that. They're not going to say, Oh, well, mom's tired. I'm going to, I'm, I'm just going to let her sleep tonight. Or they're not going to say mom and dad needs some time to connect with each other. So I'm going to play quietly in the corner. Like we have to find those times or we have to make them a priority. Otherwise our kids believe that they have access to everything.

Jason: 18:37

Yeah. Interesting. And you, and I remember you said it too, don't make every resource available.

Cheri: 18:46

Don't make every resource available. Maybe this is easier to think about in terms of money. Okay. With money, we do not let our kids just say, I want that. And we give it to them. We have rules around that, or we might have a budget and they have to like stay within their part of the budget. So with time. We just say you have access to all of it. And so are we teaching our kids something about self regulation or boundaries? If we're like, you're I'm available to you 24 seven. Now I don't, I'm not talking about emergencies. And I had a kid who had colic and she did not sleep more than two hours. Until she was eight months old. Goodness. Okay. Now, I had to be available to her in a different way than I had to be available to my other kids. So, I'm not talking about that kind of stuff. But, being able to tell your kid, Mom and Dad are going to go sit here and talk. Or the kid, your baby is asleep, and saying, once a week, I'm going to dedicate that time to talking to my spouse. Those are things that are within everybody's capacity. Great.

Jason: 20:09

Yeah. Thank you for continuing to, to clarify that. Such a good point. Sherry I want to hear how people can find you and share your TikTok. Um, what is it, what do you call it? Address? God, I gotta, I'm so old now. What are the young people call it these days? Handle? I don't know. Dang.

Cheri: 20:32

I don't know. I'm with you. All of this stuff is new to me. They're synergy couples or synergy coaching in all of the different social media.

Jason: 20:44

And then a blog on your website.

Cheri: 20:46

It is, sherrytimco. com. I, give. Very practical tips for how to communicate how to connect how to work through problems. I've got a series about what to do if your partner really deeply hurt you. And I just launched a new freebie, just as a side. It's a video. Free video series for people who just found out that their partner had an affair. Like what are the most important things to do to think about when you're in that moment of shock and you just can't make heads or tails of things. this is such a core mission for me that I really want people to have access to lots of resources.

Jason: 21:35

Thank you so much for sharing your expertise and your experience. I know for myself, and I shared it at the beginning of the podcast, this is also my journey too. To have a healthy relationship and be good parents. And I got some stuff. And so selfishly, thank you. And I hope, I hope the listeners can benefit from this as well. So thank you so much.

Cheri: 21:59

Thank you so much for having me. I, I admit that I'm a little bit of a geek about this stuff. Like I take this deep dive into what it takes to have a good relationship. And then I find the simplest path between those things. And that's what I want to teach people. So not complicated. Like let's make this easier. Yeah.

Jason: 22:22

And you have an act for uncomplicating at times, complex issues. So thank you so much. And so I encourage people to go, um, check out your website and your Tik TOK. So thank you so much. Thank you.

22:37

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