Solving Disconnection & Creating Connected Relationships (for Couples & Parents)

29: A Quick Relationship Tip for Parents

March 24, 2023 Jason A Polk
Solving Disconnection & Creating Connected Relationships (for Couples & Parents)
29: A Quick Relationship Tip for Parents
Show Notes Transcript

One phrase to use when you are feeling disconnected from your partner.

This is a way to initiate repair to move back into harmony and connection.

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https://coloradorelationshiprecovery.com/

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Jason Polk  
My name is Jason Polk, and you're listening to the healthy relationship secrets for parents podcast. I've worked with couples for over nine years as a couples therapist and relationship coach. And I really appreciate your time and attention. And I hope this can be a great value for you. Thanks for listening. Here's a quick relationship secret for parents. And I got this from the interview with Katherine DeMonte, the last interview on the show, and she recommended using the phrase I'm noticing, and we use that for feeling disconnected from our partner. And it is a great way to initiate conversation in a way that is not going to create defensiveness in your partner or correction, it is less likely to create defensiveness from your partner, or with your partner. And I mentioned in the show that I was going to try it out with Jessica, my wife. And it was right around Valentine's Day is also our daughter's birthday, we were stressed. She does a lot for birthdays. It's really her thing. And she was feeling like she was doing most of the work. She was feeling unacknowledged, under appreciated the fact that I didn't bring to the attention, or the fact that I didn't share with her. I'm noticing all the hard work she's doing. So I lead off with, I'm noticing that we've been disconnected of late. And I'm also noticing all the hard work you're putting in for our daughter's birthday. And from there, it was an invitation for her to have a real conversation. And she affirmed it. She's like, Yes, I'm feeling disconnected from you as well. And also, thank you for acknowledging all the stuff I'm doing for our daughter's birthday. So she really appreciated me acknowledging her that. And also she agreed that we were feeling disconnected. So as a result, let's plan a date night. And as we did the following Thursday, we went out for a date. But nevertheless, initiating a repair statement is one way that we can get back into connection. To reiterate one way of going about this, it's I'm noticing, just commenting on how it's feeling between the two of you. Again, that can be an invitation, I also share one way to repair is by sharing vulnerability. In other words, what's really real for you. And it generally starts with I feel, or I've been feeling disconnected, whatever that is. And another way to repair if an apology is in order, is by making a good apology. And let me just go through that framework. I got this from someone who's been on the podcast, Sherry Timko, and I love this framework because it's so simple. She shares a good apology is first acknowledging what you did, for example, I'm sorry, I did blank. The second thing and man this is gold apparently thinks is almost like a Jedi mind trick. But you're not tricking your partner. It just can really, really land well. If you say this to your partner, and that is to convey how whatever you're apologizing for felt for your partner. For example, when I said blank, there must have felt blank. For example, when I called you impatient, that must have felt really demeaning and judgmental. And if you can do that, to some degree, it doesn't have to be 100%. But it conveys that you get it. You're acknowledging their hurt, which is very important. And the last thing you do is planned. So you share a plan on how you're going to try your best to avoid doing that in the future. And it can go something a little bit like, you know what, I'm really going to avoid saying that thing to you in the future. And that's an example of a good apology. And of course, there's other ways to go about this, but this is just one framework. And this is a reminder moving back into connection back into harmony. If you're feeling disconnected, we need to initiate a repair call conversation. And by that we can simply say I'm noticing blank. Thank you so much for listening and see you in the next episode Hey, if you liked this, I would love for you to give us a review and share this with your friends and family members who could benefit from this information. Thank you so much for listening

Transcribed by https://otter.ai