Solving Disconnection & Creating Connected Relationships (for Couples & Parents)

27: Interview with Catherine DeMonte: How trauma and old stuff shows up as parents.

March 03, 2023 Jason A Polk
27: Interview with Catherine DeMonte: How trauma and old stuff shows up as parents.
Solving Disconnection & Creating Connected Relationships (for Couples & Parents)
More Info
Solving Disconnection & Creating Connected Relationships (for Couples & Parents)
27: Interview with Catherine DeMonte: How trauma and old stuff shows up as parents.
Mar 03, 2023
Jason A Polk

Interview with Catherine DeMonte psychotherapist and author of "Beep! Beep! Get Out of My Way!: Seven Tools for Powerful Creation and Living Your Unstoppable Life"

How to find Catherine:  

Website :

IG: https: //


Link to book on Amazon:

Show Notes Transcript

Interview with Catherine DeMonte psychotherapist and author of "Beep! Beep! Get Out of My Way!: Seven Tools for Powerful Creation and Living Your Unstoppable Life"

How to find Catherine:  

Website :

IG: https: //


Link to book on Amazon:

Jason Polk  0:00  
Today I met with Catherine DeMonte. And this was an really, really fun interview. I also learned a lot. And Catherine is a psychotherapist, she is also an author. And I would say healer. And she recently wrote the book, beep, beep, get out of my way, seven tools for powerful creation and leaving your unstoppable life. And again, this was so much fun, great advice. And one thing I remember most was talking a little bit about trauma, and how that shows up for us as parents, check it out.

Unknown Speaker  0:55  
My name is Jason Polk, and you're listening to the healthy relationship secrets for parents podcast. I've worked with couples for over nine years as a couples therapist and relationship coach. And I really appreciate your time and attention. And I hope this can be of great value for you. Thanks for listening.

Unknown Speaker  1:17  
Catherine, thank you so much for being here on the show. And I'm really looking forward to our interview. And Katherine, can you tell us

Unknown Speaker  1:29  
what you do? And if time allows, why.

Catherine DeMonte  1:36  
Thank you. And first of all, it's really nice to be here. Thank you for having me. Yeah, so so glad you're here. Oh, my pleasure. So my name is Katherine DeMonte. I'm a psychotherapist in private practice in the LA area, doing all my work online these days. been in practice for about 25 years or something like that already a long, long time, with a focus on

Unknown Speaker  2:01  
couples and parenting and also healing our inner child.

Unknown Speaker  2:06  
I'm also the author of a book called beeping, get out of my way. Seven tools for powerful creation and living your unstoppable life, which was a an out shoot of

Unknown Speaker  2:18  
of offshoot I'm sorry, I have an abundance circle I created when people meet to get tools on how to attract what they've been longing to have. It's been elusive for them. And then the book is those tools that are providing the circles, but also stories of people getting what they wanted the thing they've been trying to get for so long that had not, they've not been able to attract, but then looked really impossible to attract, but somehow good. So that's what that looks about. Oh, cool. Well, great. Well, well, real quick, can you give us maybe, like, kind of a teaser?

Unknown Speaker  2:54  
of like an example of that? Sure. That's a great question. Um, one example was somebody in one of my abundance circles who joined because although she was had it all going on, she

Unknown Speaker  3:07  
was not meeting men, too. And what she wanted was to get married and and start a family she was but she wasn't even dating, let alone finding some but they weren't working out. There was no reason on paper that she shouldn't have been she she had her own house in her 20s. She was successful. She's funny, attractive kind.

Unknown Speaker  3:28  
But in circles of block showed up or a wound that was actually repelling what she most wanted. And that was a fear of commitment. Because she'd actually been married once and it didn't work out. Because she found the man to be controlling and didn't want that ever to happen again. So she deeply wanted to get married. She also had a bigger fear of it being like it was before. And it was sort of unconscious. She was aware of that that happened, of course, but she wasn't aware that that was stronger energy and what what she was putting out was I don't want to get married because that was awful. So when that came up in the circle,

Unknown Speaker  4:10  
you know, because I noticed that she had mentioned in one of the sessions that will actually I have been married before that in which she kind of made a face like I have been married for and

Unknown Speaker  4:21  
so you made a face when you said that. So I'm wondering if you might want to either reframe marriage as a long term commitment, you know, committed relationship lifelong, and maybe not get married or getting married and re redefine what that means that this one the person won't be controlling and I very much want this. So with that freedom to choose between the two and with acknowledgement that yourself that she had been repelling what she Most Wanted. It shifted and she started getting so sick. Like out of the woodwork. She was getting so many that when she came back and just the next week

Unknown Speaker  5:00  
week, next week, she had all these dates lined up and are just coming up from everywhere. And I joked with her that it was raining man.

Unknown Speaker  5:11  
And that's the kind of thing that kept happening, whether it was more money for people, they suddenly getting it or people that wanted to move to a different state, but couldn't for logistical reasons, a job offer would happen for them that was too hard to resist in the very city they asked for. It was just amazing. Because things that show up when you use these tools, including shadow work, like what your unconscious blocks are, and watching your thoughts like that will never happen. You know, I'll never get that and changing those things like that.

Unknown Speaker  5:48  
Things that happen constantly. Yeah, well, gray, and hence why it's called the abundance circle. Yes. So whatever. I love that you said that because when I came up with a name, I was concerned that people might think only in terms of financial, you know, abundance, but it's for anything you want more of

Unknown Speaker  6:08  
that or health or peace, or

Unknown Speaker  6:13  
no, an abundance of

Unknown Speaker  6:16  
finances, maybe have an abundance of joy and love can be anything. Hmm.

Unknown Speaker  6:23  
Well, you know, my perspective is more peace and within our relationship, more peace with within the family and with our kids. Catherine, you know, you are I know we spoke a mother. Correct? I have two boys, two boys. Okay, awesome. And obviously a healer, a therapist, even parenting coach, if you endorsed that hat. And if you had one piece of advice, or a pearl of wisdom to share on navigating being in relationship and having kids, woman that be

Unknown Speaker  7:10  
a great question. There probably many answers to that. But my answer is to be very mindful, as parents that, that who we show up for around our children, even when we're not thinking that we're parenting in this moment. For to remember that there are little eyes on us watching what it means to be a human. What kind of human do we want to put out in the world? And we need to model that for them? Yeah, that's those guys. I feel like repeating that. They're little eyes on us watching us. You know, the see what it means to be a human. So kind of what you're saying is no responsibility at all.

Unknown Speaker  7:58  
Never gonna get mad in front of them or

Unknown Speaker  8:02  
accidentally swear when you get your, you know? Yeah, yeah.

Unknown Speaker  8:07  
Yeah, for sure. Well, I want to ask you this, you know, obviously, you know, no pressure, we're never going to lose our temper. We're never going to be impatient with our kids. Right. And I'm obviously never

Unknown Speaker  8:23  
I know Jeeves.

Unknown Speaker  8:26  
So yeah, and obviously, people aren't watching the video, which you're listening to this most likely, we're being sarcastic.

Unknown Speaker  8:37  
Disclaimer, and that kind of talks about the topic. You know, you mentioned inner child work. You talked about I know of your work, working with wounds, many past traumas. And the question is, you know, this is a fair question, but can we avoid sort of, what's the right word?

Unknown Speaker  9:01  
I mean, maybe another way to phrase this our kids, they're going to have some sort of wounds. I assume, to some degree, obviously, the different I mean, I guess, can we avoid them? Or, you know, maybe you kind of answered your question or my question previously, the best thing we can do is be mindful and patient kind of over place. But

Unknown Speaker  9:25  
yeah, yeah. We can't avoid walls from our childhood and we can't avoid our children picking up things making up stories or faulty will take taking away faulty beliefs, or creating wounds, because it's part of being human. And if we reframe wounds as a teacher, like that's where the light gets in to quote, Rumi or Leonard Cohen also said something similar of wounds or how the lights gets in, and, and check in with what the wound has to teach us.

Unknown Speaker  10:00  
Rather than trying to avoid having one, then we can grow so much from that. Yeah, that's

Unknown Speaker  10:09  
Yeah, with what the wound has to teach us. Yeah. Do you have an example of that?

Unknown Speaker  10:18  
Yeah, there are, really, there's so many stories and there's some of the bookie of anon was

Unknown Speaker  10:26  
one example that comes to mind or not an example necessarily, but a good thing to remember is, even if we raised our children with, for example, a lot of praise, and we thought were encouraging them and always reflecting back their, their beauty and their strength, that could still create a wound in that person might take away from that I'm only okay are safe in the world, when I'm really shining. When I'm all I can, I can never let my guard down. I always have to be on top to get straight A's in mind, do I notice get a lot of accolades and that could create the golden child, for example, who

Unknown Speaker  11:03  
struggles with you know, if they don't get that they wonder if they're okay, or if they feel like they have to strive to always be there. That's a lot of pressure. So I think

Unknown Speaker  11:14  
shadow work becomes really important Carl Jung's work around looking at the thing that bothers you most and other people. That's what your shadow is.

Unknown Speaker  11:24  
That's really interesting. Yeah. So just trying to, yeah, just trying to like, think of an example. Like, you know, I assume this comes up with your intimate partner, right? Yeah, thing that most bothers you. It's what you have to work on. Yeah. It's kind of like, elementary school kids on the playground, when they point when we were taught like, don't point a finger at somebody, because you have three pointing back at you like when you know, your poopy head, and you're stupid or things like that. We're actually seeing that in them. And that's why it bothers us. Not while that's why it bothers it seems like it's because I'm not that, but it's actually because that's the part of me I try to avoid. Mm hmm. Yeah. Well, and so I assume shadow work, working with wounds. The first thing is awareness. Well, I just curious, you know, like, how do we know?

Unknown Speaker  12:26  
And then that maybe it's something that really triggers us? But how do we know? When Oh, my gosh, you know, this is a wound I got growing up, or maybe this is, you know, my shadow or something I need to give love to, you know, in a way?

Unknown Speaker  12:42  
How would we know that? I mean, because you know, things happen? So fast. Things can be crazy being parents in a relationship? Yeah. Yeah. And so it's almost like a major things that get triggered. It's, and we also feel like, well, if they would just stop doing that, then we'd both be okay. That's, that's, that's why there's a problem. And I've talked to them a lot about doing that thing, and I still do it. But I find that we meet up with people who will bring up our shadow perfectly. There's an old saying that says his claws fit for wounds, and they go like this, or vice versa.

Unknown Speaker  13:21  
His in partnership, and that ideally, we both look at what my my calls are and what your goals are, and why we're triggering each other, as opposed to just wishing the other would be, you know, stops. Okay. Yeah. So like if one is super vivacious and always wants to go out, and one sort of introverted and thinks the other one is a show off and needs attention. That that might be an example of his cause fit her wounds is one example. Yeah. And then it's important to be aware of that. So, you know, we're not taking it so personal or so we can start to have a little bit of space between the trigger and our response, or, I guess, is a good question. It's like therapy, we talk about the past. And it's like, why, why? Why do we need that insight?

Unknown Speaker  14:18  
Right, right. We need that insight. So we'll know why we're getting triggered. Actually, you know,

Unknown Speaker  14:26  
an answer to your question about what to do when retriggered is the space that you just spoke about, instead of being reactive, be reflective. And instead of looking at you, I need to look inward at me. And what, what just happened? What does this remind me of? And what does this remind me of is a good way to check in and sometimes it can be good to just sit still for a moment and or to journal. Journaling is so good at bringing up what feels a little less conscious to us. And we get started

Unknown Speaker  15:00  
Something like, prompt. That's something like every time he does blank, I noticed I get so mad every time he's late. And I tell him that bugs me so much that he's always late me for dates, and he's late. And he says, I'll pick up the kids and he's late and they're left their school and a word with that to them. He's late. That makes sense. It bothers you, and it's bringing up something. Triggering is something different than just, it's annoying, or it makes me mad. So let's say this person reflected on what story do you tell yourself? Or what meaning do you give it when your partner's late? Well, obviously, it means he doesn't care about me. Like that's not obvious, it means that he doesn't have a relationship with time.

Unknown Speaker  15:45  
In your life, have you felt like your needs didn't matter? Yeah. And then you'll find out his childhood. What happened? Well, for one thing, they literally were late sometimes, but also I was I got messages that I wasn't enough. So that's what he triggers. Okay, then let's heal that for you. You are enough. You are always where he came packaged, right? And when you got here, and you're you're absolutely full, and hole, do you have a belief system that you're not enough, because of that messaging

Unknown Speaker  16:20  
that you got way before he showed up?

Unknown Speaker  16:24  
As an example of what to do. That's really powerful. And I love that because, in a way, and feel free to correct my wording. But the focus of control, or I guess attention is turned towards you and your wounding? Yes, that was so well said. And who better to attend to that than all of us ourselves, for only inner child, we were there when that thing happened, or those things happened. And we can even say things like, I remember that now that you reminded me that was painful. It's good to know that that story you told yourself and I've been carrying all this time is that you're not enough. And I'm here to tell you or so. Yeah, like I love that. And I've, you know, done inner child work and been trained in that way too. And yeah, kind of how you described it. It's so powerful. We use the term kind of I was trained in the pmld sort of vein, and use a term re parenting. No, so yeah, so kind of being aware of the wound, and then doing exactly what you said, which is, oh, okay, this reminds me of something, you know, older, and then have a conversation with that inner child or younger, younger ego state that has been triggered, and you take care of it. And you know exactly what you said, it's, uh, it's really cool. Let me let me share if if you know, mind, some of some of my work, one of my initial reactions, when stressed or triggered, is to passively aggressively withdrawal. I sometimes share with clients. I have a black belt and passive aggressive withdrawal.

Unknown Speaker  18:18  
One of my clients I think, had more I think, I think she or he, I can't remember, maybe like three weeks would go this passive aggressive withdrawal was like, wow, I've met my match. But

Unknown Speaker  18:33  
pretty damaging for the relationship. Yeah, that's it. Dr. Anna Black Belt. Yeah, yeah, totally. But

Unknown Speaker  18:44  
yeah, totally. But but some of the, you know, that sort of withdrawal for me was adaptive, then not so adaptive now, but be aware of it, and say, Hey, Jason, I see you. I understand you. I love you. But you know what?

Unknown Speaker  19:07  
You don't have to do this anymore.

Unknown Speaker  19:10  
Yeah, I guess.

Unknown Speaker  19:14  
Yeah. You know, is this fascinating? Because how that even that conversation gets you in, you know, the prefrontal cortex gives you centered, and you have more options. Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm sorry, I'm going off on a tangent. One of my favorite quotes is that you're in relationship with your wounding, you're not responding from it. Oh, that's, that's really powerful to think of, that will have us responding so differently, if we know that to be so. Yeah. And I liked the reminder that, you know, that was adaptive, when you started implementing it when they got implemented and you started using it found it work, but it doesn't work now. It's also very true because when we're an adult

Unknown Speaker  20:00  
partnership, when we

Unknown Speaker  20:02  
think we're taking the care of ourselves by being separate from them, that could bring up all kinds of wounds for a person that has abandonment issues, for example, or I'm not enough, or all kinds of wounding, actually, that could really be one's cause for those ones, couldn't it? If my partner now isn't talking to me, in the name of self care, but still I cannot get in? That can be so painful. Yeah, that was the story of my first marriage.

Unknown Speaker  20:34  
No, but kind of how you did the client and the wound, you know, mine was withdraw, obviously. And she with abandonment wounds, man, you know, it was a it was a big Ouch, for us. You seen and work with that? That dynamic? A lot.

Unknown Speaker  20:51  
Yeah, and another important thing to remember is, whatever our wounding is, if we're not in touch with it, it just feels true about the world. And this way of reaction of reacting makes sense, or that person absolutely meant XY and Z, and they did. If we're not aware of it. Well, whether or not we're aware of our wound, we will keep finding proof of it. Because everything that smacks of it will, will absolutely be it for sure, to our mind, because we already are sure that it's true. And that's why it's really important to know what our wounds are as well. Because it's not necessarily true, that the world's not safe for people don't love me, or I'm not enough. That that's not true. I never was, but we will keep finding proof of it. And there, and then we'll have a confirmation bias. Like see, another person said, another person treated me that way, another man left me another woman, you know, she, you know, whatever, we will attract it. And that was proof. And then if we believe the other,

Unknown Speaker  21:56  
the opposite, the positive opposite is true, we'll find proof of that.

Unknown Speaker  22:03  
Yeah, and then the positive, the positive opposite would be, oh, wait, they're not gonna leave? You know, kind of in that example, yeah, people stay. And they stay because I'm lovable, or, you know, because sometimes the they're leaving, isn't just that people are bad, but it could also be people leave me. I'm not enough for people to stay all kinds of stuff, you know, kinds of stories.

Unknown Speaker  22:28  
Mm hmm. So luckily,

Unknown Speaker  22:32  
yeah, for sure. Well,

Unknown Speaker  22:34  
and to find out the opposite, you know, and I know you mentioned that it is what a being aware of it, seeing if you can have a relationship with that inner child or the wounding and then starting to believe the opposite.

Unknown Speaker  22:52  
Yeah, like, what, what's next? I mean, how do you do that?

Unknown Speaker  22:57  
start becoming aware of your thoughts, your thoughts, when we're not aware of our wound, and we attract it in, we definitely say things, but we might not even be aware of them have those thoughts? Like, See, I knew it, it will just feel like confirmation. But we want to become conscious of the thoughts we have. And then if we notice, I'm always saying I'm too blank or not enough of this, to immediately switch that, to I am enough.

Unknown Speaker  23:30  
I am lovable. I'm big on im statements and being really mind them. That is one of the tools in my book.

Unknown Speaker  23:38  
I am statements, because I think it's so important. So that, that starts changing as literally on the inside, we are differently, we will notice that people respond differently to when we change our thoughts. And that becomes proof of our belief.

Unknown Speaker  23:57  
When we're talking about confirmation bias for when we're, when we're feeling a lot more confident, and that we are enough, you can watch out that people like the woman in the example of all these men, like like she attracted something very different on the outside and now becomes confirmation of our homecoming. Just how I like calling it when we've done our work. And we're coming back to where we were created as a whole and lovable and beautiful. The world starts showing us your kind and lovable and beautiful and attractive.

Unknown Speaker  24:30  
The opposite can also happen. You know, if we have wounds and we repel people will get proof that we're unlovable and not attractive.

Unknown Speaker  24:39  
So that's in answer to your question where it started starts with I believe with becoming aware of it, and then watching our thoughts and then replacing them with what it is we do want more than what we do now to be true. Yeah, that's great. And you mentioned and what we do know to be true

Unknown Speaker  25:00  
and I'm paraphrasing you, you know, because we're all alike in a way that we have abundance. Right? I mean, like, we need to remember that we're kind of like, kind of sharing a little bit of Buddhism, but whole and complete just as it is.

Unknown Speaker  25:18  
And you know, the kind of the homecoming I like, I like that word. Oh, good. Good. Yeah, I love thinking of it that way. We're just coming back to our, our authentic self. Really? Mm hmm. Yeah, never left. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Unknown Speaker  25:38  
But that's, um, you know, one of the quotes I noticed on your website, and it's things on the outside change, when things on the inside change. So exactly what you're talking about. And then example that you shared.

Unknown Speaker  25:55  
So, what about the relationship? When you have kids?

Unknown Speaker  26:02  
You know, can we have a healthy, vibrant relationship? And be good parents? Or impossible? Oh

Unknown Speaker  26:15  
yes, especially right? When this little bean arrives, right? It looks thing going for something that's only a few pounds, like, often less than 10. Yeah, it changes your world so much in terms of Couplehood doesn't, it just feels like something's come between us, our sleeps, messed up, retired, there are hormones going on for women that are natural and make sense, but don't necessarily fit with a person you knew before, you know, the truths of what they are looking like and showing up out looking looking like meaning like, who I knew them to be, they they seem so different. And they are they have their women's lives are so changed. Men may feel bumps, it's, you know, out of this dyad knowing that when it becomes a triad or more, so yeah, it changes things immensely. And I think the key is good communication, good communication and a lot of sleep.

Unknown Speaker  27:20  
Laughing seriously, is really important to get a lot of sleep, but like I'm feeling blank statements as opposed to you statements, checking in. I think the word I'm the phrase I'm noticing is really good here for new parents, like I'm noticing that and then sharing what you're seeing, rather than pointing out behave, you know, behavior, just, like out of the gate, like you always and you're not doing blank anymore, or just, you know, I'm noticing that we're not connecting anymore. And I'm missing it. And I'm wondering how you feel I'm noticing you're retired, tired a lot, may I step in and do anything for you? This baby is so important. I'm noticing that I feel a little rejected or not as important. And I just want to share that with you. Kind of statements. I just really like I'm noticing in a sentence at the beginning, because I feel like it's so less defensive. Yeah, that's great. Catherine, I'm gonna try this out tonight. Oh, good.

Unknown Speaker  28:23  
Because we love it. Let me practice. Well, let me get a little bit of context. We have a five year old now. And 18 months, or 19 Maybe I should, can do we do some math. See where we're at. And you know, my wife, she loves Valentine stuff. Today is Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day, by the way.

Unknown Speaker  28:48  
Yeah, and she just had a birthday too. So my wife is doing all this stuff. She She loves it. She loves Valentine. Valentine stuff. But also I'm noticing that she may feel a little bit of frustration because I haven't been doing it.

Unknown Speaker  29:09  
I'm outing myself here.

Unknown Speaker  29:12  
And I'm also noticing that we've been you know, feeling a little bit disconnected and we've done this before we actually share this you know, one of the ways that we can kind of get back into connection is by us sharing this hey, you know, I'm we're feeling disconnected. What can we do about it? But I'm gonna give the noticing ago. So I don't know if those examples do you think to be good or bad or you can give me some on on the spot coaching.

Unknown Speaker  29:41  
I'll take it in. Yeah, absolutely. You could do a couple of things. One would be to note, just share with her what you're noticing in yourself. I'm noticing that I have been really I've slept off on Valentine's Day, and I know that it's a quality that means a lot to you and this is what I like to do.

Unknown Speaker  30:00  
about it.

Unknown Speaker  30:02  
Or like to really look at why I'm doing that, or like, you could literally do something unless you felt like, like bringing her something, unless it felt like that was too much of

Unknown Speaker  30:12  
a behavior that was covering it. But I don't think it should I love that. Or you could say I'm noticing you so much. You know, you've got you're tending to this, and you're attending to that. And, and I want you to know, I really appreciate it, because that would be connecting. Yeah. Okay. I'm noticing that you did so much. And I want you to know that I really appreciate it. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker  30:37  
Yeah, no, that's gonna work. Catherine, I got a little bit of the right word. It kind of hit home a little bit. I was like, dang, that's good. Right there.

Unknown Speaker  30:47  
So glad. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker  30:51  
But anyway, the kind of, you know, put a name to it. You're leading softly, you're leading with connection. You're giving it away giving your partner something you can connect to? I'm not leaving with a euro.

Unknown Speaker  31:13  
Or are you do too much, right? Like that? That would definitely not be a good one.

Unknown Speaker  31:20  
So yeah, no, I think that's that that's really good. Oh, yeah. Okay, and I'm going to have it, I'll make note of this. So about minute 30. I'm going to reference this the next podcast, I'm gonna do a solo episode. And I'm going to record how it went.

Unknown Speaker  31:41  
How's that?

Unknown Speaker  31:44  
And I'll give you a follow up to, hey, if you can even use this for review on the spot coaching via podcast, so.

Unknown Speaker  31:57  
But, anyway, but that's, that's great. I mean, because it is very difficult. I have found personally, and also, in my practice, trying to stay connected with work. Kids, even you know, trying to have hobbies, social life is challenging. Yeah. Have all of those challenges even been made bigger, because of the pandemic? Were they already in place, and then magnified? Are they about the same? That's a really good question. I'd have to think about that for a little bit. You know, it's almost like what at least my experience in the beginning of the pandemic, we were home, and we were kind of around more, it was, it was kind of a cool thing, right. But then when it sort of carried on, it was it just became there was kind of a wedge wedge between all these people, it'll be cautious if people aren't cautious enough.

Unknown Speaker  33:02  
You know, okay, my parents there.

Unknown Speaker  33:06  
They don't abide to it. You know, we can't hang out them. But hey, they're my parents. But anyway.

Unknown Speaker  33:12  
And kind of side issues. Yes. All the adjustments that had to be made. It's kind of a death by 1000. paper cuts. Yeah, I can't go see them because they're not abiding. And we can't see them. But I'm uncomfortable. And that doesn't fill in all

Unknown Speaker  33:28  
throughout the, oh, I know, through life, but see magnified during the pandemic, because of kinds of issues you just brought up.

Unknown Speaker  33:38  
Yeah, yeah. I wonder how we could bring that back. You know, what you had in the beginning? What, you know, the beginning of it, when you were staying at home, it was kind of nice, you know, how I wonder how that could get me lit? And ignited? You know? Yeah. Well, maybe that's a question that, you know, hey, you know, the listeners myself, the even I love the spirit of it. How can we have more kind of us time? How can we have more connected? Right, how can our relationship in our family feel more like a home?

Unknown Speaker  34:14  
Kind of the spirit of you saying I think this introducing the questions. Yeah. conveys you know, we're, we're on the same team here. Yes. And it matters enough to have brought it up. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I love that. That the raising of the question itself is already healing. That's really good. Yeah, maybe creating a night for marriage meetings. You know, like once a week, we sit down and just check in with each other.

Unknown Speaker  34:46  
Yeah, can you say more about the marriage means I know. The John Garmin. He calls him Steve, the union meetings, which I think are great.

Unknown Speaker  34:55  
But can you share more about it, you know, say a couple is like, Hey, that's a good idea.

Unknown Speaker  35:00  
Do you have sort of parameters or suggestions? Or is it just open? Just? Yeah. Well, there there are four questions in a bit. I can't remember who came up with. Oh, I think it was asked on the tip of my tongue. Levine. I think Amir Levine, I believe that

Unknown Speaker  35:17  
came up with some questions for marriage meetings. They start with appreciation. There's also, you know, things that need to be spoken about.

Unknown Speaker  35:26  
I don't have plans for the future. And I don't remember the last. But they're, it's really, really good. And they can be found online. You don't even have to read the whole book. Actually, he wrote attachment, or attached. Yeah. But I don't know if he also wrote the remember who did the marriage meeting questions, but they're really, really good and easily found.

Unknown Speaker  35:49  
Yeah, so marriage means I know.

Unknown Speaker  35:52  
John Gottman, he talks about the appreciation. I think you mentioned that, you know, start with appreciation, which I think is huge.

Unknown Speaker  36:02  
Yeah. Such a good way to start. Yeah, for sure.

Unknown Speaker  36:07  
Yeah, go ahead. Oh, thank you. Not only do we need to hear that all the time, but what a great way to start any meeting, you know, be because people aren't carrying something negative to start with. And now I'm so so here these other things. I'm already worked by the things you just said. You know, I'm work that you told me that about the things that I need to work on. Yeah, that you're mad about? Like, alright, go on. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker  36:36  
Sorry, John. Governance. I wonder if they are. I wish I could remember who came up with that. Yeah. Yeah. Not that it matters that much. But yeah, well, how about in the? Yeah, in the follow up podcast, I'll see if I can do some research if it's Levine or or Gottman? And I'll put that in there.

Unknown Speaker  36:54  
And, yeah, you know, I mean, whatever it is, I mean, I think it's hugely important.

Unknown Speaker  37:00  
Also, I encourage couples, it helps with that that dynamic, at least for me,

Unknown Speaker  37:07  
something's kind of irritating me. Do I need to share this now? Or can I hold this to blank? Yeah. And sometimes when I hold it to blank, it's not really even an issue.

Unknown Speaker  37:20  

Unknown Speaker  37:22  
suddenly, it's fine. Way down. Yeah. And timing is so important, not only because the charge could change the charge in us to change. But sometimes people will try to have these conversations that somebody else is trying to get out the door. And I remember once pointing out with a client who brought up an example of how her husband didn't listen to her when she said,

Unknown Speaker  37:46  
you know, she was sharing, I was trying to tell you that thing that time. And he said, I was trying to go to work. And she said, you know, she said, went back and forth a little bit on that. And I said, Actually, timing matters a lot, it might be good to wait till I got home. And you, you know, had a few moments. And then you said there's something I'd like to talk about. And she said, I should be able to say these things when they're up. You can, but you're not going to get the response you want.

Unknown Speaker  38:13  
Know, you could try, but you've noticed that he was not listening, or paying attention, if you want him to it needs, there needs to be time around it. She's actually kind of setting herself up. And we need to watch those polls, I'm setting myself up not to be heard, so that I can get the proof that I'm looking for that he doesn't care about my feelings, or whatever her story

Unknown Speaker  38:37  
is, it just makes sense. You know, always with every conversation that we wait till somebody is available. So why would you pick that time? You know, I'm thinking about more now. Like, why would you say just a second, I need to talk to you about that thing.

Unknown Speaker  38:52  
So trying to get out to work is not going to ever sit? Well.

Unknown Speaker  38:58  
That you want to land? Well. Yeah, that's great. Gathered, I mean, you know, obviously, the therapist hat of a probably some some everyone called wounds there or something else going on?

Unknown Speaker  39:15  
Yeah, I think it's gonna do the timing. But going back to timing, really, really important, especially for parents, you know, the timing, we don't have a lot of time. And often, at least for me, when I put our kids down, my bandwidth is very, very, very low. And my wife and I, we even have an agreement. We're not going to talk about important stuff at night. We're just not going to do.

Unknown Speaker  39:39  
And timing is really, really, really important. And you also mentioned to maybe kind of like, ask, Hey, is now a good time? I think.

Unknown Speaker  39:51  
Yeah, I think that's great. And some, I know some couples therapists don't like that is kind of like just get to it. But I think as parents

Unknown Speaker  40:00  
So, you know, we kind of need them. Because if it's not a good time, we can say, obviously we have to say when.

Unknown Speaker  40:07  
Right, but I agree with

Unknown Speaker  40:10  
it matter so much interest so much, it's not as respectful of the person who's maybe in the middle of something, and you're not going to get what you want. So that affects you. So either person that you're looking at, it's not. It's not good not to check in. Yeah, yeah. So kind of the question is, you know, how when she when I bring this up, the question is, when is it most likely I'm going to be heard and thus get what I want? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And there's nothing selfish about that. Is that is there? Yeah. Because you do want something to be different? Mm hmm. So yeah, that's great. Well, and also, like, I have to comment, I've shared this in other podcast before. But at night, when I'm tired, the kind of adaptive child part of me is out more, so to speak. You know, he said, I said, the angry the angry teenager, part of me, is out there. And if I'm, if I'm annoyed, instead of the saying, Oh, my God, the house is so messy. You know, from that state of mind, nothing good is going to happen. And so you know, to be aware of the timing, that this is an issue for me. I need to hold on to it. I may bring it up the next day. But I'm not just going to be like, boom, here you go. Deal with it. Is that's not being super relational. No, sure isn't. It also bypasses that it might be bringing something up.

Unknown Speaker  41:39  
If we just

Unknown Speaker  41:41  
kind of throw up our words at somebody else. But what does it mean the house is disorderly? What

Unknown Speaker  41:48  
am I dysregulated? And what's going on? What, what's happening this way? Yeah, that's great. That's a good reminder, like check in, right? This is always so kind of gathered, is it fair to say if something is triggering for you? Or just anyone? It's always good to kind of check in to see if, Hey, what's up with this? Is there a story to this? Yes, yes, that's a good way to put it that all roads lead back to us not to wrong, but to us.

Unknown Speaker  42:20  
Sometimes people will say, Yeah, but there are universal things like people cutting us off on the freeway. While there's everybody. It doesn't actually it would none of us like it. But it doesn't trigger everybody. So you could check in with what does it specifically bring up? For me? It might bring up I don't feel safe. Okay, that's good material, or that person? We don't even know who that person is.

Unknown Speaker  42:43  
thinks they're better than me. We don't know that to be true. But when else have you felt that way? Who else in your family that they were better than everybody else? Who did your parents treat as better than the other kids? You know, the shining golden kid? But what's it bringing up for you? That it's not true that we all have to zoom up next to the person and then clip them off and get in front of them? You know, we don't none of not all of us have road rage. Not all of us have the same reaction when it happens. Some of us might even just pull back a little and not really have much of a reaction. Just Whoa, that guy was really close. Give them space. You know,

Unknown Speaker  43:21  
it's not true. You know? So even if it were though, it's still important to look this way. Yeah. I love it. And then looking that way. I mean, I know. And I know we're coming up on time here. But looking inward. And then on top of that, the practice mindfulness or I mean, yeah, I guess you kind of consider that a form of mindfulness. I mean, I don't know if we're kind of just, yeah, it really is being mindful of where I am feeling my environment. Absolutely. Me coming back to the hair now.

Unknown Speaker  43:57  
Yeah, because, you know, with all this, as you mentioned, our practice is to be mindful and present as we can be.

Unknown Speaker  44:08  
And then even kind of going back to what you were saying, I love this quote, you know, so maybe as parents, you do the best we can do, again, be mindful, as present as we can be. Because as you mentioned, we have little eyes on us, watching us to see what it means to be a human being in this world. We can't expect them to be able to pull it together, especially since their brain isn't fully developed in a place that has, you know, things like reasoning, when we can't model it, find them. Hmm, yeah, so it's important as parents, we live if there's places we need to do the work, we need to do the work. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Catherine, is there anything that you know, maybe we missed that you would like to touch on? Or kind of? Yeah, the only thing that

Unknown Speaker  45:00  
is coming to you that you would like to share. Thank you, the only thing might be one little caveat or whatnot, a caveat, one more thing to say about what you just said. And that is people listening to please not hear that there are little eyes on you watching what it means to be human in this world as as a burden or something I can't attain, but instead an invitation that this will help me be my best self, when I'm more mindful of my reaction, and, and not going to the world, but just like this, you know, to stimuli. But instead be more present this as a gift giving yourself. So if you can see it that way, versus one more thing I have to be aware of is not only in the house, but how I'm coming across, because they're watching me, that's a little daunting, but instead just see that as I get to attend to what's already inside of me. And that homecoming that we've talked about, come back to my fullest, best, most authentic self. And every time I'm triggered to take a breath. And remember that these eyes are on me helps me be more present and mindful and calm and kind. That's the person I want to be says really beautiful invitation. Not a not a judgement and not a you know, one more thing I need to worry about being Yeah, I love well said. Oh,

Unknown Speaker  46:27  
you Jason. Yeah. Well, so and I guess I part of me once a paraphrase, but it's like there's no need to because it was so beautiful. But it's kind of like an invitation, you know, for for growth. But still, I don't know if I if I got that sentence you said I love the invitation. That says it very well. Mm hmm. Yeah. And thus enlightened self interest when we can be the best version of us. We feel better. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker  47:01  
Catherine, this has been really cool. lack of a better word. I love that word.

Unknown Speaker  47:11  
Great conversation about parenting, relationship, our wounds, you know, the inner child in us the shadow, I think a really, really worthwhile conversation. So how can people get in touch with you and work with you?

Unknown Speaker  47:30  
They can find me through my website, which is just my name. www dot Catherine DeMonte. Catherine's with a see?

Unknown Speaker  47:38  
Probably the easiest way. I'm also on Facebook and Instagram. My name. You can find me there.

Unknown Speaker  47:46  
But the website also has a contact me.

Unknown Speaker  47:51  
And your website also has links to get your book. Yes, it does. Yeah, it does. And there's a link to my book and to the companion journal. I think journaling is really an incredible way to find out what's less known to us consciously came up about after the book came out. That felt like it needed something. Need something but it's nice to have something to write as you're reading.

Unknown Speaker  48:18  
In addition to reading,

Unknown Speaker  48:20  
yeah. Catherine, thank you for sharing your wisdom and your insight and your time. We really appreciate it. Thank you. Okay, thank you. Okay, awesome. Bye.

Unknown Speaker  48:36  
Hey, if you've liked this, I would love for you to give us a review and share this with your friends and family members who could benefit from this information. Thank you so much for listening.

Transcribed by