Healthy Relationship Secrets For Parents

13: Interview with Carolyn Sharp, Relationship Coach & Therapist

August 12, 2022 Jason A Polk Episode 13
Healthy Relationship Secrets For Parents
13: Interview with Carolyn Sharp, Relationship Coach & Therapist
Show Notes Transcript

Carolyn Sharp, couples therapist and Clini-Coach in Seattle, Washington shares how to resolve common fights, especially around sex. She also shares parenting tips and ways to create a deeper relationship.

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Putting our relationship first is the most powerful thing I help couples do. Which doesn't mean parents get a little like, What do you mean? You know, the kid is vulnerable and they have these needs. This isn't about, like, you know, locking the kid in the closet or leaving them alone when they're crying or not feeding them or anything ridiculous like that. Welcome to The Healthy Relationship secrets prepares podcasts, saving your relationship from parenthood. So the question is, how can we be great parents and have an amazing relationship at the same time? That's the question. And this podcast will provide the answers.
Carolyn sharp, welcome. Thank you so much for being here. And I am so excited. We spoke a second ago, follow you on Facebook, Instagram, I'm on your mailing list, and you have some great content. So I'm happy that you made time to be on the show. Thank you so much. Well, thank you for inviting me, it's great to get to talk to you. Happy to be here. Great. And Kevin sharp, you are owner of secure connections. Correct. And if you don't mind telling us a little bit about what you do, and why you do it would love to hear, okay, well, I am like you a clinic coach. So a therapist turned coach. So I do have a therapy practice. And then I started this coaching practice to try and reach more couples in more ways. Which is where my Facebook and my Instagram and my tic tock and all of that comes in to try and offer more resources to couples because as you have probably seen, the pandemic has been really rough on relationships. And so I am just trying to reach more couples and offer more resources to help them through. And all of that came out of my love for doing couples work. I was originally a child and family therapist working with young kids through adolescence in foster care and and group treatment and all that sort of stuff and realizing the impact that the adult relationships have on the kids so profoundly and that I could really impact kids in an even more powerful way if I help the adults in the world have healthier relationships, because that's how we are wired to be in relationship is through that, that how we are parented by our parents or caregivers and what we see in the adult relationships around us. So that is why I fell in love with couples therapy and pack Stantec kins model. And so that's how I started becoming a couples therapist and then wanting to reach even more couples and offer more workshops and
opportunity coaching opportunities to help couples around the world rather than just in Seattle, Washington where I'm located. Yeah, well, that's, that's great. Well, you know, on that in regards to parents, and how they affect their kids, you know, maybe you can share, and this is a very broad question. But what is, you know, keep it positive? What's one good thing that parents can do within the relationship that will benefit the kids? Uh, huh. Well, the one thing I would say, is often a provocative point, which is to prioritize their relationship. And I don't know, I think it was through Sam that I learned about this study that with a dysregulated, and upset infant, the most powerful thing a parent parents can do to calm that infant is to make eye contact with one another, because we co regulate each other in partnership, that helps create the most safe container for the kid to grow up. And so if my partner and I are in good space together, have created solid, a solid team as partners, we're going to be better equipped to parent the child to have fun with the child to enjoy parenting together. And so putting our relationship first is the most powerful thing I help couples do. Which doesn't mean parents get a little like, What do you mean, you know, the kid is vulnerable, and they have these needs. This isn't about like, you know, locking the kid in the closet or leaving them alone when they're crying or not feeding them or anything ridiculous like that. It's just, you know, the way we brush our teeth first thing in the morning, it doesn't mean it's the most important thing we do. It's something that we have to do to take care of our health. It's sort of like that. It's making it the first thing that we make sure we're attending to before we go out and do everything else.
Yeah, and just so I make sure that I heard you, right, so you were talking. If the baby is upset, the best thing that parents can do is make eye contact with each other. Not the baby but with each other with each other. Okay?
Yeah, they've studied that, that that is the quickest thing to regulate a distressed infant is if the parents just make eye contact with each other, because then they're in connection, their nervous system calms, and that calms the baby. So it's sort of like a snowball effect of, you know, we are regulating that infant or that toddler or that child. And if we're dysregulated, we're not going to do as good a job and a job. And so if we have a teen, if we can look to our partner and go,
I'm losing it. And our partner meets us with a supportive wink or smile, or you've got this look, it can help us go, all right, I can handle this. But if our partner and me and my partner and an opposition, like, No, you're doing it wrong, you're you know, let me take over and we don't feel supported by one another, we're not going to be as well equipped to handle that tantruming toddler or teenager or whatever it is. And so that's where working on the relationship is the most powerful thing we can do as parents. Well, you know, being a parent of two young daughters, one, a four and a half year old, you know, I've learned that they can push our buttons, so to speak.
But it's also I know, even with my wife, it's easy to maybe be in stress default to be judgmental, of Oh, my God, you're doing this wrong. But I like your frame of, hey, keep at it, you got this, right. Or maybe like a, I think I got standing, you say like a drive by hug or something? Exactly.
Yeah. Or just a squeeze of the hand behind the back or a wink, or whatever. I mean, you know, my husband, and I certainly disagree. We have older kids, we have four kids between the ages of 16 and 21. And we certainly disagree at times about what is needed, in a circumstance, different kinds of stress than the four year olds stress. But it's important, we not disagree in front of the kids, because that sets the kids up to learn, oh, I can get around what my dad is saying, by going to Carolyn, I can, you know, I can I can get out of this situation, or I can work her to get to him or him to get to her. And if we're aligned, if I'm just like, Alright, you've got this, then later, I can pull him aside and say, you know, I don't agree. I'm having an issue. I'm having feelings, I have a different opinion. Can we talk about what happened earlier with the kids? And debrief and plan? All right? Well, the next time this comes up, here's what I would like us to do, and strategize around that. And I'm saying all of this is though, it's easy. In the moment, when our kid is pushing our buttons, it's, it's really hard to remember. We agreed on this, or I'm not supposed to interrupt. It's hard. It takes a lot of practice. It takes a lot of work, but it's a habit worth building for couples that are parents.
Well, let me ask you, because I know you've been trained in pack model. And Pat is big on attachment. You know, I know, it's Dan talks about the island. And on this podcast, I really haven't talked too much about attachment, but the person who tends to like to de stress by themselves, right? And then another continuum, Stan calls the wave kind of likes to regulate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have any
advice, but you know, maybe for the partner, because my wife and I were kind of on the island continuum.
I used to be a hardcore Island, you know, but anyway, I think
that's a therapy, I've been able to work on some of my stuff, but you got the kids are down. I'm so tired. I just want to be on my phone and play some candy crush.
I mean, I guess the simple answer is like, Hey, get up, I don't know, make eye contact for three minutes.
But if you have any thoughts, I know that there was a lot right there. No, I absolutely. And, and that is a huge part of my coaching program is learning to work with the attachment styles that are and you can have two islands you can have an island and a wave you can have any number of combinations. And it's about accepting that that is what is that this is what what is wired into us. This is our sort of predisposition to regulate by time alone to regulate by time and connection to accept it or not work against it, and try and create secure functioning within the relationship where both people's needs are respected and allowed for so knowing sort of standard talks about having each other's owner's manual knowing how you work best and what you need to be at your best functioning within the relationship and you knowing what I need best to be
He at my tip top functioning within the relationship and supporting that. And so if you're someone that has had, you know, if I'm tracking you and I know alright, I can see your extra crunchy from your long day of being a therapist and coach from parenting, all that sort of stuff, you really do need some candy crush time, I'm going to give you permission, I'm going to say I see that you really need to check out, it's okay, go check out I love you, I want you to have what you need in being given that you're going to naturally feel fed in the relationship being seen and understood. And that in fact, maybe the thing that lessens your candy crush from 20 minutes to 10, where then you're like, hey, I want to check on my wife, I want to engage with her and make sure she has what she needs. And that is the opposite of what our nervous system says if I'm if I'm like, oh, I need some connection time and you're wanting to candy crush my, my nervous system is saying chase him, chase him, make sure he gives me what I need. So it's really difficult, but it's a really positive practice. And once couples get into the habit of like, I see that what you need is Candy Crush, and I offer it to you or I suggested or support it. That's the thing that brings you back to me. Like I can't chase you into giving me what you want. I can only give you what you want. And then that's going to make you want to do it for me. And couples are very suspicious of this. And then they always come back. They're like we tried it and it worked.
To me, like it's the you mentioned, our nervous system is wired that way or, you know, whatever it is that reaction of finding money to chase you. So I can get what I want. But as you mentioned is counterproductive. Right? Yeah, that's, that's tough. It's tough. Yeah, and no one ever believes me at first. They're like, I don't think this is gonna work. Like try it. Try it like five times and come back. And if you try it, and honestly, five times, from a full intention of I want you to feel better. Do what you need. Do it five times, and come back and tell me did it work? More often than not, it works? I got to try it five times.
That's fine. That's town. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. Well, and Carolyn, you're in your coaching practice? Do you work with couples? Do you work with individuals? I'm just curious. Yeah, I work with couples. That is the most I mean, in my, in my therapy practice, I have some individuals, but in my coaching practice, it is I'm coaching the relationship. And so I'm helping couples build the healthiest relationship. And you know, within that one person may be more engaged with it than another one, I'm always working on the relationship, the relationship is really the client, in my mind, and that is that is borrowed from pact as well. I'm looking at the health of the relationships. So that's I'm working with both people.
Well, let me give you a broad question. If you don't mind. Now, go for it. Okay.
And this question is on sex. Okay, so how do parents? I don't want to be too broad and obvious. But I mean, how do parents get some of that sexual intimacy back? You know, let me let me share being being a coach as well. I know, the kind of the chase the demand, I want more sex, we're not getting more sex. You know, that kind of complaint?
doesn't really work.
You can't really pressure your partner into getting more sex. No, but I don't know if you have any, any thoughts? I feel like it's I want to have experts on. I always want to ask this question, because I think it's really important.
Well, sex is my favorite thing to talk about couples talk to couples about because there is so much garbage in our culture about healthy sexuality. We're taught so many wrong things about what's right, what's good, what's appropriate from a gender
orientation about what being a man is being a woman is, which is heteronormative in and of itself. But I love talking to couples about this and breaking some of that garbage out. And it's a very multi layered issue that hits parents, it hits all couples. And, you know, I just developed a resource for couples because when we fight about sex, and others topics, we tend to focus on the outcome we want, we want more sex, or we want to feel less pressured, or we want more adventurous sex or, you know, whatever it is we want. We focus on that outcome and the fact that we're not getting what we want. And we're missing some of the things that make this conversation so tricky, which are the three topics that we don't touch on what we were taught as kids growing up from our parents about sexuality and from society and what we learned it meant to be healthy in our sex life, how we communicate about it because we focus on that outcome rather than what the meaning is underneath it. Whether that's feeling good
rejected, feeling lonely, feeling unwanted, whatever it is feeling a need for connection. We missed that in focusing on, we haven't had sex and X days, weeks months, you're not doing XYZ that I've asked you 10 times to do, et cetera, et cetera, we focus on that outcome and miss that deeper part. So that's two. And then third is rarely do couples create shared goals, what would feel good to us, we're not having a conversation to create an idea of where we going together in our sex life. And if they have, they're not revisiting it when there are significant life changes like a baby, which changes the entire relationship and also changes at least one person's body altogether. libido levels change in response to the hormones to the sleep deprivation to the physical changes, all that sort of stuff. We're not addressing that when we don't revisit it and go, What has changed. What do you need? Now? What do you want now? What would feel good? And we have a very heteronormative idea about what good sex is. And for some people good sex isn't intercourse. It isn't. You know, even sex, it's cuddling. It's fantasy. It's pornography. It's an I know, I just sort of like threw a bomb in there. Because
about pornography, but you know, it's all kinds of things that we get people and we have a very narrow view of what being healthy together sexually is for couples. So that was a really broad answer to a really big question. But there are a whole bunch that were missing in that conversation. And if couples can find their way to include those bigger pieces into the conversation, they'll find their way through it. Yeah, that's great. I mean, so essentially, sitting down and talking about it. Right, being open. And Frank. So this makes sure I got this right. So talk about hey, what was the message growing up? That I got up with bird? Did I get a message? I mean, I guess we can't help you know, be in this culture, get a message, we got a message, it may not have a straightforward and clear message. But even the absence of a message is a message. messages we don't talk about. It's not a polite to talk about.
So yeah, what yeah, what did we talk about? What did I learn? From my parents, from my caregivers? From watching them? And from what they told me? Or it didn't tell me? Yeah. Yeah, that's great. And then, so what is the outcome? Is it that I don't want to feel rejected anymore? Or is it I want to feel connected? Is that what you're getting out the outcome? Or the outcome is that you're feeling on the same side of the of the process that you're feeling connected and clear about? What are we working toward working? Is a very sexy term, but what is our What is our goal together? And that may be more sex, or it may be more closeness, or it may be more orgasms? Or it may be, you know, like, What is our goal together? And what are the steps to getting to our goal together and one person may have physical challenges as a result of going through childbirth, or any health challenge they may have? Or whatever it is, and how do we include that? How do we, you know, lots of people through the pandemic have gone on antidepressants, anti anxiety medications that monkeys with our physical relationship to our libido and sexuality. So how do we incorporate that in the conversation? And in our goals together? How do we allow for that? To adapt to what our needs are changing needs and wants naming? Yeah, that's great. Talking about the goals, I love it. And not to get too personal on this. But obviously, after the birth of our kids, our sex life changed my wife and eyes. But I remember we had such a open and frank conversation about it, how we were feeling about it, how she was feeling about it, and how she was feeling with her body. You know, mom, me being a dad. And it almost like, I mean, my perspective did create like a deep emotional intimacy. Right? And he was like, gosh, this is this is connection. Right? Right. And also to it helped with is Dan shares this when we don't know. We go negative, right. So it's not like, okay, we're not having sex. It's because, I don't know don't make enough money. Right.
Yeah. Or I'm not attracted to you anymore, because my body changed from childbirth, or your body changed to me and I'm a little freaked out by it or like, we're not creating safety or often. Sounds like you guys are enchanted. That's awesome. But often, we're not creating safety, to be honest about that, too. You know, like seeing you breastfeed our child.
It makes me a little weirded out. Why isn't that safe to say, if you create safety, it doesn't necessarily equate to pressure you saying I'm frustrated or me saying I'm frustrated doesn't mean you have to, you're obligated or you must please me, it means that there's an issue here that we got to create space to talk about and decide what do we do with your frustration, my frustration, how do we work with that? Because yeah, shouldn't have sex when one of you doesn't want to one of us doesn't want to, that's you start connecting sex and obligation. And then all kinds of bad things happen on all kinds of levels. But the outcome of conversation isn't necessarily sex, it's just knowing each other and witnessing each other and supporting each other through because no one wants to feel frustrated. No one wants to feel rejected. It's not like I choose to feel rejected.
Just for funsies, it's a you know, our emotions are not a voluntary choice that we make. So we have to deal with it. And we either deal with it positively by having a supportive conversation, like you're talking about, or we deal with it negatively by fighting about it, by being a passive aggressive about it. By creating those negative thoughts, that's not I always make that gesture that's not the crazy,
brain spinning gesture.
By creating negative meanings about it, and then acting on those negative meanings, you hate me, you think I'm ugly, whatever it is, and then, you know, I'm covering up my body, you're, you know, doing that. So what we don't know, yes, creates negativity. So the best thing to do is to create space and safety to talk about it.
Can I set a thought that when I have people on here, and we explain it, it seems so simple, right? But, and it makes perfect sense to me. But it's like, Gosh, why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to talk about sex? Why is it so hard to be vulnerable? I don't know if you have any thoughts about that?
Yeah, I mean,
we've we've both learned this in our work, there is no intimate connection without vulnerability is part and parcel of creating connection is being vulnerable. That's where the real meaning happens in the real deep connection happens, you know, when we're having sex with each other, we are vulnerable, you know, we're naked, we're exposed, all that sort of stuff. So sex is vulnerable. And it is learning to accept that and work with them. And I know that Yeah, exactly. Like you're saying, I say it like it should be easy. No, it's not easy. It's just worth it. You know, there's a great quote, now, I can't remember who said it, but I'm not telling you, it's going to be easy, I'm telling you, it's going to be worth it.
This work is hard, being in relationship is hard. And I say a lot we can either do the work up front to prevent the problems is kind of
fighting, or we can do the work cleaning up what happens as a result of not doing it. So it is an investment, it is scary. And it requires a mutual commitment to being safe for the other person to you know, I mean, I have processes that I walk couples through to create that safety and practicing listening without responding and reacting and practicing not personalizing your experience. And just hearing it and remembering you get to have your experience, you're not choosing to feel negatively, et cetera, et cetera, okay, my job is to just listen and reflect, listen and reflect. I help couples practice these skills so that they can create the safety for you to say, whatever might be going on for you sexually or about any of the other topics that come up for parents, for couples in general.
So it is it is hard, and it is worth it to create that vulnerability and that safety. Yeah, I like that. It's hard, but it's worth it. And bring it back to the kids. Your kids will benefit. I mean, doing this work for the benefit of them. Yeah, yeah. And they will learn confidence, they will learn assertive, they will learn healthy communication, they will learn that it's okay to be human. When we've created enough safety for me to say, Man, I really screwed that up. Not sorry, I said that to you earlier, I wasn't acting from my best self. I'm sorry. Now they've learned it's okay to not be perfect, and that it's okay to admit that we screw up from time to time. Which boy, we need more of that in the world. They're always willing to acknowledge that they're not right all the time and that they screw up that other people can have valid opinions and all of that so yeah, yeah. relationship. We learned this stuff. Yeah, for sure. Well, you mentioned so having that conversation with your with your kids. Is that what you're referring to just make sure I'm following you. Of Hey, gosh, sorry, sorry, dear dad screwed up there or mom screwed up. No, I'm saying I mean, I think that that's great. If the kids
asks, but I'm saying that we're modeling for our kids. If if you know I'm snapping at you while we're making dinner me saying, I'm sorry, that wasn't nice to meet you like that in front of the kid shows them Wow, mom can apologize to dad or dad Can Apologize to mom. Now the kid is more likely to to apologize to mom or to dad, when they throw their crayons or slam their door or whatever it is that the kid does, at whatever age you've created a safety container of safety for that kid to learn healthy relationship behaviors of which apologizing is one of the most powerful that we have
to create that safety for vulnerability. Yeah, that's great. Was it see this today? Are you familiar with the book by DMC done, how not to hate your husband after kids or something like that.
But it was it was a fact. I mean, it's sort of what you're talking about. But it's the idea of this kind of shared power, shared responsibilities, chores. And there was a study that she quoted that said, if dads chip in with the housework to take their fair share, then the daughters are more likely to kind of have more traditional, I don't want to say it guy to be like gender typing here. But kind of more traditional, like non female jobs, like being like, like a CEO, or an entrepreneur, or like a geologist. And so I thought that was really interesting. I don't know if you're familiar with that book. Yeah, yeah, I am familiar. And I think it's a powerful study and a powerful message that we think it's mom's jobs to teach. And again, this is totally heteronormative. And a little bit garbage in that respect. But it's mom's jobs to teach girls how to be healthy, strong women. And it's Dad's jobs to teach boys. And it's even more powerful. If, if it comes from the reverse that if the dad is showing that he can clean the toilet, that he does clean the toilet that he does the cooking that he does, he's he's helping her See, these generals are nonsense, like everybody's job is to pitch in around the house, it's not mom's job to carry everything, it is incredibly powerful. And the same is true of boys. If a boy is seeing a mom to mow the lawn, or fix the fix the sink or all that sort of stuff, and he and he seen dad be emotional or all that sort of stuff. He's seeing, Oh, I can I can express my feelings, I can learn to cook, I can take ballet, all that sort of stuff. It takes both to break those those gender stereotypes. I think that it's really powerful. Yeah, so essentially, what you're saying is like, hey, let's be like whole, authentic people. Let's not have put ourselves into those, you know, gender. Yeah, that that's great. I love that. And they I don't know, this is kind of what I've noticed. But it can be different. I've noticed that younger couples in my practice, they seem to be more open to that. Right. I don't know if you've kind of that. Yeah, that kind of old school mentality? It seems. I don't know. But I don't know if you have any thoughts about that or not? Yeah, I mean, I do. I mean, I am hopeful like you that the next generations are gonna are gonna continue to move us move the arc of justice in the right of the right direction and the arc of progress in the right direction to help create more opportunity and not less for little, little children to decide who they want to be outside of gender norms outside of sexuality norms, that they get to choose their pronouns in their name and their way they want to dress in the professions they want to have that those younger couples I mean, I hope that older couples are learning that as well. There's a there was a great
Tiktok I think recently of a woman talking about if your child comes out to you is gay, you don't give the message I'll love you no matter what because that's a message that we give to kids when they have done something wrong. Instead it's with every new thing that I learned about you I love you more and I can't wait world to learn about you and it's like yes, that's exactly it. And so I hope that my generation I hope that every generation learns the only good comes from acceptance only good comes from seeing a whole person and helping them become the best version of that whole person whatever it is. So yes, I I feel equal measure of hope and dread for for the world right now. The younger generations are the hope and the older generations come on.
You know, I would share with with a client of the day and I don't think my dad is listening so I can share this. I think the idea of my dad going to couples therapy, I think his head might explode but anyway, sorry dad. If you hear
and his son is not a football player. Right? He's a therapist. Well, clinic coach, and in this episode I didn't there. Well, I wanted to one last question, Carolyn, but this is kind of a big one when your email list and you talk about couples we talked about sex but argue about sex mess, money. The top, the top ones, sex money and time. A time. Yes. Yeah. Thank you. And but you also kind of tease is like, how knowing the key reasons why couples fight and such arguments. And it was like a cliffhanger. It's like, I want to know, but I don't know if you can spill the beans here. But you can. If you're on my list, you should have you should have gotten the the guide that spells it out. I did spill the beans already. Yeah. And it's a free guide that couples can can sign up for and get which walks you through sort of the way to use these three bets, which I did did already spill the beans when I talked about sex, but it's about what we were taught as kids, what did we learn about money and the meaning of money? And what money means in a relationship? And how does that what we learned impact how we act expect, communicate about money, sex, and time and time is really, you know, how much time do we spend together and apart? How much time do we spend working on chores? Who spends more time or Hanshaw? who's doing what? That's those are the conversations about time? And then sex? We we've covered that. But so it's what did we learn about money, sex and time growing up? And how does that influence how we are in relationship to it together? How do we communicate about money, sex and time? So focusing on the deeper meaning there's processing, there's content and content is the fact how many dollars and what we do with those dollars and then processes beneath that? And it's the meaning that we're talking about? Do we feel scared about our money? How do we feel? Do we see, you know, money as a as a resource and an opportunity? And it feels exciting? How do we feel about it when we talk about it, and couples skip over that and just focus on that outcome piece? And so that's second sort of how we talk about it? And then third is what are our shared goals about money about sex at about time, and setting those shared goals? Having clarity together about what are we working toward? What is important to us? What do we want to have happen with our financial life with our time, the time that we have on this planet, and as a family, and as a couple? What are our goals for our time? And if couples are able to walk through each of those three pieces, it really does cut through the fights? I mean, does it solve everything? You know? No, of course it doesn't. You know, if you want to buy a car, and I want to save money for retirement, we're still going to need to negotiate how do we decide that and that's not always going to be easy. But having those three pieces helps us get through the bickering and get to a deeper conversation that really helps us not fight so much, and just sort of negotiate and process it.
And again, I don't mean to simplify that it's easy. Sometimes there's people have trauma in these areas, people have injuries in their relationship around those areas, if maybe you snuck around me and bought something that we talked about you not buying, there's injuries there that make it complicated and difficult. And that's why that's why we exist as coaches to help couples through those two tricky conversations, which is why I created a workshop to help couples have it facilitated for couples that need more than just a worksheet.
And that's, you know, they can seek you out or me out or any of our amazing colleagues for support. But having those three deeper conversations helps cut through sort of the BS of the conversation and get to the real, the real meaning. And the real, we're fighting about that. Yeah, no, I love it. And I'm gonna have to go back through my, the emails I got, and revisit that. But I think that's great. You know, in a way, let's have space for some realness, right? And some authenticity, and even going back a little bit. That's, that's great. And I don't know if if the listeners know, but Stan tacking has the term secure functioning, right, you know, that's kind of being a secure, functioning relationship, having these types of conversations. So that's great. Well, so Carolyn, so say, someone's listening, and you're like, that sounds good. I want to work with you. Tell us how to do that. They can reach me in any number of research any number of ways. I'm on Facebook, I'm on Instagram and I'm on Tik Tok at secure connections coaching. I think Tiktok is secure connections coach but secure connections coaching they'll find me My website is secure connections which was my original website and all three of those places there are links to get the guides that I've made that are free. There's links to sign up for the for the workshop if they want so secure connections coaching on Instagram, Facebook or Tik Tok, or secure connections retreats if they want my website. Great.
Then you throw out a workshop to, is there a workshop coming up? Yeah, it's the it's the workshop for the free guide around the three fights that all couples have, which are money, sex and time. And it's stopping the three fights that all couples have. I think it's the title of the workshop. And it is live in Seattle on August 27. It's my first in person workshop in whole too long, I
can't wait to see people, you know, a group of people in a space together. So August 27, in Seattle, and it is on Zoom, three consecutive think they're Wednesday nights, August 31, September 7, and September 14. And those are two hours each, um, four to 6pm. Pacific Standard Time. So if they're in mountain zone, or California or Australia, they would adjust their time to be there. Anyway. Yeah. Well, awesome. It sounds like you have a great program. And obviously, thank you for sharing your style. It's really cool to hear and your expertise. So, Carolyn, anything else you would like to add? before? Before we go, I would just say, I'm glad that there are people listening, I'm so grateful that you're making this podcast because we assume that once we've gotten married, or once we've committed to another person, we can check that off our life list, and it's just gonna take care of itself. And relationships don't take care of themselves. We need support, we need to do work and like weeding garden. I think standard Tracy talked about that. But you have to weed and fertilize and harvest your crops you have to you have to do work to keep it healthy. And there is no shame in reaching out for support, whether that's a book or a podcast, or an audio book, or a TED talk or a workshop, whatever it is, you deserve support for your relationship. Because they are hard. And it doesn't mean anything. We have coaches and mentors and bosses and teachers in all other areas of our life that somehow there's this bias that it means something negative about our relationship that we need support. And I'm here to call BS on that
out and get support and take care of yourselves because it's been a rough few years for couples, even if that's just watching my or your hilarious and awesome 32nd One minute reels on any of the social media platforms, if that helps you go back and have a healthier conversation with your partner. Fantastic. Yeah. And you'll benefit you'll kids will benefit. Yes.
Brilliant. Terry rails new book, and then talks about them. Intimacy is not something you have. It's something you do. They're kind of exactly what you were you were talking about. So, Carolyn, thank you so much. This personally, I like it's almost like having these interviews. I'm getting like this this free, sort of like coaching.
I'm grateful. So thank you so much for your time.
Yeah, great. Well, thank you for sharing this and we'll stay in touch. That sounds great. Okay, great.
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