Welcome to The Healthy Relationship secrets for parents podcast, saving your relationship from parenthood. So the question is, how can we be great parents and have an amazing relationship at the same time? That's the question. And this podcast will provide the answers.
This episode is for male partners since having kids is the sex life in your marriage, not where you want it to be right now. If so, listen to this when this happens, what is the best way to go about having more sex? First of all, I just want to share that you're not alone. Kara Hoppy, who I interviewed on the show talked about how couples often find themselves in quote, the winter, unquote, in regards to their sex life. And let me share it personally, Jess and I we've been in winter at times. And as of late, our second daughter's getting a bit older. So there's been some spring, so to speak, come into the crack and what's worked for us is to first begin talking about it and you a male partner, I want you to journal or reflect on some of these questions. And some of these questions will require you to bring them up with your partner. But where I'm getting at with these questions, what I'm getting at with the best way to go about having more sex is to first take a look at how you approach it. are you demanding more? Are you blaming? Are you shaming, if so those are not going to work? Going back to an interview I had with Nicole, Colleen, she gave a really cool formula, which is patience minus pressure. So having patience without putting pressure on your partner equals leisure. So that's the framework to go about having more sex. And it may seem kind of paradoxical going about it this way. But we want it to take a bigger picture approach. We're going for the long game, so to speak in regards to having more sex. So the first question is, Are you male partner to reflect on is What does sex mean to me? I think that's really important to write about to think about. And the reason for this question, Does having sex relate to your self esteem, for example, sex means that I'm a good guy. Sex means that I have value. My mentor, Terry reel, he talks about how US males is culturally appropriate for us to have two feelings, and that is anger and lust. And the problem is, is that sucks, because that's only a part of us males, we're more than anger less, and but when we're having sex, we could associate that a lot with our self esteem. The question is, What does sex mean to me? And the next question that I want you to reflect on is how do I handle rejection? Of course, we don't like rejection. But when we initiate sex, how do we handle it? And do I pout? Do I throw a fit again, do I blame or shame and these things, although understandable in the long run, are making it so we won't have more sex, and it's tough. But first, I think it's important to reflect on how we handle it. And when we do face rejection. One way of looking at this is that our partner is taking care of themselves. If we have a no, that's a good thing. That means our partner wants to be happy in a relationship. And the next thing is is important. How do I define sex? Is it penetration? Is it simply you know, cuddling naked? Is it oral sex, whatever that is? And then the related question is, what could be an acceptable form of romance? If sex is not in the cards right now? For example, maybe there's a young baby, maybe your partner's hormones are just everywhere, and sex is not even on the table. But hey, reflect on is there any acceptable forms of romance? That would be okay with you if it's not in the cards now? And is that simply being physically affectionate? Is it to be desired or both? First of all, let me speak on desired I, you know, being a male, it's nice to feel desired. Well, I think being a male or female, it's nice to feel desired. But But when our partner is in a caretaker role, it is hard for them to be connected to their desire, if that makes any sense. And since you're not connected to their desire, it's hard to quote unquote, desire your partner sexually, hey, they may desire you to help out a little bit more to help with some chores here and there, which I think is great, but I just want to throw it out there from my experience, you know, being in caretaker role being in let's keep this little human alive. It's hard to be connected to our sexual desire. At times, though, this next question, I think, is really important. So this is almost like The mindfulness approach to you know, what? What's the best way to go about, you know, getting more sex first, I think it's, you know, when the feeling and the emotion of sexual desire comes up, how do I relate to it? Do I feed that desire with more sexual thoughts and fantasies? Or do I repress it? Or do I simply become aware and curious of it, the last one, from the wise adult perspective, from the wise adult parts of us, that's the best way to go about our inherent sexual desire, if we constantly feed it, that is, you know, kind of give more fuel to the fire, so to speak. And by thinking about sexual fantasies and all that we're not in the present moment, if we repress it, that's also not a good thing, too, because we're repressing a part of us a part of who we are. The middle way, so to speak is can we simply become aware and curious of it is not good is not bad. And doing The mindfulness approach? Can we breathe into it? Where do we feel in our body? Also take note of being there with simple awareness? How long does it last? Is it five minutes, 20 minutes, but that's the mindful approach. And here's another question, what do I think are some reasons why my partner is less intersects now? What's the story I tell myself, and keep that part to yourself? But here's the interactive part. Ask them from the respectful centered part of you, for me, sex is a great way to connect with you, dear. Is there anything I can do to make it so we can begin to have sex? Again, question mark. And then with that let go of outcome. But let me share a little bit about this question. This question is collaborative in a way you're helping them help you, for example, is there anything that I can do to make it so we can begin to have sex again, you're not blaming, you're not demanding, you're not shaming, also, you're being aware of your need a for me, sex is a great way to connect with you. So again, going back to that formula of patients minus pressure equals pleasure, and but this is initiating the conversation about it, and I think is a great first step. And if you're lucky enough that your partner does give you specifics of what you can do do them.
You know, that's a softball, so to speak. And also to, if you can allow the space for asking your partner in a respectful way, how has been a mom changed how you relate to your body or something along that if you can allow the space for her to share that with you. I think that can be a very, very fruitful discussion. But a caveat, this needs to be done in a respectful way, right? And the relationship needs to be in a good place to allow the trust and safety needed to ask and answer that question. And let me share from my personal experience, when my wife shared those two things. For me, it provided more understanding and providing more empathy for me, and it created the connection, you know, for her to share. Hey, right now, I'm not too into sex because of this, you know, had changed that story that I was telling myself, and it was a really cool exercise. So male partner, if you can allow space or your partner to answer that question, I think that can be a really good thing. And here's the last one can I grieve the fact that we may be in the winter regarding sex and appreciate what I'm currently getting? And what we're working towards question mark. That's a big question. But also, it's important to be aware of what we are getting and matches what we're not getting in healthy relationships. They're full of these kind of micro disappointments. I got that from Terry real. And so we're not going to get 100% of what we want all the time. So in those times, where we're not getting 100% of what we want, can we grieve it, can we be okay with it and appreciate what we are getting. So that's it. I hope it helps guys reach out to me if this was helpful if this sucks, but anyway, thank you so much for listening. Hey, if you liked this, I would love for you to give up the review and share this with your friends and family members who could benefit from this information. Thank you so much for listening.
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