This was a great interview! Sex and Intimacy Coach Nicole Colleen talks about where parents can begin to have more sex. She shares an equation: P – P = Pleasure. Find out what the other two P's are! She talks self-intimacy, owning desire and defining what "good sex" is for you and what that means.
She can be found on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nicolecolleencoach/
Private Facebook Group for women: https://www.facebook.com/groups/undressingintimacy
and myth we learn is that sex, if we're compatible, it should come easy. If you're compatible with your partner, we think you're that we're compatible all the time. Maybe you're just not sexually compatible. That's not even a thing. Right? We can all be compatible, but it takes an investment, which so many of us don't realize that we have to play into it, because we think it's just happen. Right? We think the sparks are just fly. Welcome to The Healthy Relationship secrets for parents podcast, saving your relationship from parents. So the question is, how can we be great parents and have an amazing relationship at the same time? That's the question, and this podcast will provide the answer. Alright, well, welcome, everyone. And I'm so excited, because I have Nicole Colleen here, who is a sex and intimacy coach. So glad you're here. Nicole, thank you for having me. It's such a pleasure to be here. Well, great. And Nicole, I love to start off with, you know, being a sex and intimacy Coach, how you got into what you do? Maybe some of the why as well would love to hear it. Sure. So this, this answer could be very long. So I'll try to keep it short. I got into this because I needed this. I needed someone like this years ago, when I was trying to navigate my sexuality and how to be in a relationship and own my own sexual desire and pleasure. And I know way back then, you know, when we're in middle school, or high school and taking the sex ed classes, we're pretty much learning how not to have sex or how to put on a condom. But there's nothing about owning your own pleasure and how to actually live life and love and show up in a relationship. And now looking back in retrospect, I desperately desperately needed that. And I know so many other people did. So what happened when I didn't have that support and resources to really learn about it is I had to navigate it on my own, within my relationships, very young. And that took a lot of time and a lot a heartache and a lot of conflict. And I want to kind of shorten that that learning experience for people, I don't want people to have to go through all of that. I want to give them the tools and resources now to have the love life that they want now and not have to go through all that I went through. So kind of creating those quantum leaps for people. That sounds so cool. And, Nicole, do you work with individuals, couples? Both? Yeah, so I work with both individuals and couples, and the programs and spaces I create for couples can be tailored to either one, pretty much whether you're an individual in my program or a couple, we always start with the self intimacy piece piece, which I know we'll talk a little bit more about later. But we focus so much on finding the right person instead of being the right person. And that's why the self intimacy piece is so important because we really need to tune in to ourselves, and be aware of what our own needs are be honest with ourselves. There are so many narratives we create, there are so many experiences we have from again early on in our in our childhoods and our development, that we you know, we learn and hear that, you know, sex and intimacy should be a certain way. And that's impacted again, by our parents and the role models they create for us our cultures or religions. So that self intimacy piece is really the self awareness. So what stories do I have right now about my sexuality, about what people have told me? And how, how am I showing up in a relationship? And how do those stories impact how I show up? If we don't have awareness of that, then we have no way of connecting with our partners, because we don't know our real selves, our real selves, our culmination of everything people have told us, we should be. But we haven't created our recipe yet. Many of us have not most of us have not. So we have to be honest and real with ourselves about that first, so we can bring that authenticity to our relationships. So in my programs, that's always the starting piece, whether I'm working with an individual client or a couple of clients. There's so great, I love the term of self intimacy. Mm hmm. And I don't know if you get a trademark on that or something. But, you know, yeah, I don't know. I don't Yeah, it's such an important piece that self awareness. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. And so you said self awareness of the stories that you have kind of gathered along the way. Yeah. And to reflect on that. So I assume, you know, some of it you know, self reflection. Maybe journaling is something you do in your program. But could you share keeping confidentiality a lot, but maybe kind of like a theme to a common story that we do have that gets in the way of our self intimacy See? Sure? Well, I think just intimacy in general. I mean, there's so many themes I see. But one of the big ones for let's talk about, let's start with a couple of clients who may be coming in to work with me, one of the big ones on the outside, what we see is a is the discrepancy in desire. Right? So you have one partner wants to have sex more often than the other one for whatever reason doesn't. So that's a common theme of couples who are coming to work with me, right? And a couple of different things happen. One could be that now so we have this discrepancy and desire and what meaning has each person assigned to it? Right? So the person who wants sex more may be assigning a meaning that their partner who doesn't want sex as often is broken, right, that there's something wrong with them. Oftentimes, that's the female partner. So is there an issue with their hormones? Is their testosterone low? Have they even had an orgasm before? Do they know what that feels? Like? Maybe they just haven't, you know, explored themselves enough. But there's often that blame and that pressure, I'll use the female here, because it's often that not always, for the female partner to figure herself out, right? Why don't you want sex more? The other thing that happens that men don't always open up to and vulnerable about is the stories they tell themselves about what it means about them. Right? Does my desire does my partner not desire me? Because I'm not something right? Am I not as sexy or attractive? Or as masculine? As this person? Or what is seen on TV? Do I not know how to bring them pleasure? And a huge misconception? And myth we learn is that sex, if we're compatible, it should come easy, right? If you're compatible with your partner, we figure that we're compatible all the time, maybe you're just not sexually compatible. That's not even a thing. Right? We can all be compatible, but it takes an investment, which so many of us don't realize that we have to play into it, because we think it's just happen, right? We think the sparks would just fly. And what's tricky about it is early on in relationships, when we first start dating someone, it seems like the sparks are fine. And oftentimes they are right, this is so easy. It's organic, I didn't have to do all this stuff to you know, have sex with my partner, they just wanted it the same time I did. What's interesting is there was a study done, of people's brains were on drugs and people's brains when they first start dating someone, and the areas in the brain light up in the same areas, right when you have an addiction. And it's because we're literally chemically obsessed with our partners when we first start dating. And that's chemically what happens. In addition to that the context is so different than what it looks like later on in our relationships, right? When you think about dating someone, for the first time you're going on your early dates, oftentimes you're not living together, right? You're in your own separate location. So you're getting ready for the date separately. You might buy a new outfit, you might get your nails done, you might shave my shower, right, as parents, those are, those are novel things. Like you're intentional, right? You're so intentional. And then there's novelty of how how's my partner going to show up? What are they going to? Where are we going to have our first kiss tonight? Are we gonna have sex tonight, there's a risk there. There's a vulnerability there. And when we get into a long term relationships, the context of those things disappears, right? You're getting ready in the same bathroom. If you're a parent, you have kids running in, you're trying to manage so many things, you maybe get a shower like me, sometimes when you put on a hat over the mom here, it's like, Okay, I'm ready to go, right. We don't create space for that transition, right for the transition from the parent mode into dating my partner mode with the same intention that we did early on our relationship, because the context was just different lives look like, right? Yeah. So it does take a different type of investment. So create, recreate that it doesn't just happen naturally. Yeah, so in essence, and then feel free to correct this. What you're saying is Okay, now we're parents, we've been together for a while, most likely, yeah. And now we need to create space, or maybe even have a conversation about what can we do to have a good sex life? Yeah, and the first thing I work with couples is what's your definition of a good sex? Yeah, I was gonna ask you that. So obviously, that's subjective, right? Yeah, you don't you don't have the definition book. Okay. I know you guys are off. And that and that's so important is because again, like with the discrepancy and desire again, the another complaint is I just want to you know, have a better sex life. And my personal you know, learning as a transitioning from a therapy mode to coach mode two is I'm not here to give you the answers, right? If you want different solutions, you have to ask different questions. Right, so it's not like how can I have more sex? First we got to look at well, what is more sex? What is it Good sex life look to the find that right? We have to start there. What is keeping you from having that? Do you take ownership of your role in it? Or is there blame there? Right? What's your role in not having the sex life that you want to have? And that's a huge piece going back to that self intimacy, or are you willing to show up in that, you know, vulnerability space in the self awareness to take ownership of how you're showing up to be the right partner, instead of just expecting the right partner to, you know, show up for you? Yeah, I am, you know, I work with couples in my my coaching and therapy practice. And that sometimes happens. I just want more sex period, you give me more sex? Yeah. And kind of what you're talking about not okay. Well, can you look at on your side first? And also what you said, What does it mean? You know, what does good sex mean? Yeah. And even more sex? Like, what's the point? Yeah. When someone comes when someone in a relationship says, I just want more sex, and my partner doesn't want to have more sex? For you? What's the point of having more sex? What does that get you? Right? Is it really just about my language, like being in and out more times? Like, is that what it's about for you, then you're fulfilled? Or is there more to it? And oftentimes, on the surface level, it is about having sex more often. But it's because we've assigned a certain meaning to that. Right? If we have sex this many times, maybe that's a successful relationship, because that's what my friends say, a successful sexual relationship, right? Three or four times a week. Perfect. That's what Joe at golf said the other day they're having so that successful, right? But what does it mean? Right? Having sex more often doesn't mean what are you actually looking for. And I can promise you, every client that I've asked us, both men and then women, and especially for the men out there, underneath that layer of okay, I want it more often, they want it more often not because of the time just because they actually want to connect more with their partners. And they want to know that their partner's desire them, they don't want male, they don't want to be begging for sex, right? But they're not being just begging just to bring it out. Again, they're begging for their partner to desire them in that way to have that type of physical intimacy. So that's what's underneath the surface. So we have to ask different questions. Yeah, that's great. And you said, underneath that, it's, you know, they want to connect, and they want their partner to desire them. And well, that's good work. Nicole, you know, getting to get into the root of the matter. I've studied with Terry real. And when you say that think of his theory is that males, culturally speaking to acceptable emotions, for males are anger and lust, you know? And it's almost like there's so much meaning into the idea of of sex for males. And, again, I guess it's reiterate what you said, I'm going back to, okay, what does sex mean? See if we can get to the bottom of that? And correct me if I'm wrong, you know, maybe you two are not up for being handed out. But can you find, you know, connection, then can your partner express desire to you in other ways? I don't know. Yeah. So first of all, there's nothing wrong with the husband Lessing for his wife, that's a good thing. And again, we lose that. And oftentimes, the dynamic is because of man, like you get shut down by your wife so many times, right. So we lose that last week, I had a client who wrote me a letter once, and he's like, I've just become, you know, I've turned off my need and desire for sex. Because I didn't want to rock the relationship more, I saw that I was putting pressure on you. Just similar to smoking, I quit smoking, I'm gonna quit sex, like I'm not going to desire it. But that avoidance of the topic and the pain and hurt and vulnerability there, created even a larger gap in their relationship because she actually wanted to have sex. And she wanted that connection, but they hadn't found the recipe yet that worked for them. Right. And the big pieces know, husbands can less after their wives and most wives want them to write. But on the female side, a lot of women especially moms don't create space to allow themselves to desire anymore. They don't give themselves permission because it feels so heavy, it feels like something else on their to do lists on their list of chores. And I often say that so many women especially moms are diagnosed with Superwoman syndrome, right? They wear all the hats, they play all the roles, but their self intimacy, their Cara, their self is very low on the totem pole on the priority list, right? And to desire our husbands to desire our partners, we got it, we got to own the wanting and to own the wanting, we have to give ourselves permission and there has to be a worthiness there that we're worthiness of the one we're worthy of the wanting. But when we're so filled with all the other things, keeping children alive, potentially having our own careers to keeping up the household, there's no ownership of the wanting and the pleasure and the desire there. So I turn it to women, often they say, Hey, okay, your husband wants to have more sex, right? He wants you to desire him in the bedroom. Okay? Do you as a woman pursue pleasure? Outside of the bedroom? Right? If you're going to pursue pleasure with your partner inside the bedroom, do you give yourself permission to pursue pleasure outside of the bedroom? Do you go and sit on the patio and have coffee for five minutes with no distractions? Do you create boundaries around that? Right? Do you go out with your girlfriends and have a night alone? Is there autonomy and independence in your relationship in the marriage, that you have that time to yourself where you can transition back into that feminine role? Right and Superwoman syndrome, we've taken on a lot of masculinity, right, we get her done, we're very goal oriented, all the things that are very masculine, you need polarity in our relationship, you need the balance the masculine and feminine, right. So if you're both showing up in the masculine, because you're both doing so much, and there's no desire for your male partner there, you have to have that time again, to transition into the feminine to take care of yourself, so that you can own the desire for yourself, own the wanting, and then show up that way in your relationship. That's a big challenge for women out there is to really create space for that. And partners, husbands can help women do that, too, is by being direct. And learning that this is what women need is part of the owning of desires that they need the space for the transition. So husbands to come and show up and be direct with their partners, hey, I got the kids tonight, here's a glass of wine, go take a bath have your time. So helpful, so helpful. And for women, they have to, there's a surrender to that. Right, they have to surrender control there that everything's going to be done the way that they haven't done that survival mode of being a mom or a parent, my husband can take this on, he can give the kids a bath. All their toes might not get washed, they will they will survive. Right, we got to release that control, because we can't do it all on our own. And if we try then what there's no way we can show up intimately in our relationships. Partnership. Yeah, that's great. Yeah. So one way of what you said, you know, embracing the feminine is to release control. I mean, I give overly simplistic summaries. To embrace the feminine is to create the space and going back to that self intimacy, self awareness piece of how do I pursue pleasure, outside of the intimate realm outside of the sexual realm? Do I give myself permission for that? Do I feel like I'm able to do that? And does my partner support me in doing that? Right, we have to ask for help. Right, we have to ask for support. And we have to be curious, being in intimacy is about curiosity. And that's the novelty is what turns me on. Right? How do I explore pleasure? I know, I know, for me, I always turn to coffee. It's like if I can get out on my patio for five minutes in the morning, before my kids wake me up before anybody asks anything of me, sit my cup of coffee and peace go through some journaling, or some mindfulness like that is self intimacy. And that is true pleasure. If I know that if I am having a crazy day, and super overwhelmed that I can turn to my husband say, hey, I need a break. I need to go out for a little bit. Is that okay? And he says yes. And there's a second piece to this? And he says, Yes, by all means go do that. Right? It's not that by him saying yes, there's now an expectation for sex either because I think that's a, that's a big, that's a big thing that couples need to understand and that husbands seem to understand, and I have a little light, and I should trademark this. I have a little, what's the word I'm looking for? equation that I came up with, okay. So p minus p equals p. So patience, patience, minus pressure equals pleasure. So there needs to be a patience on on all ends to let all things unfold. But for men who are hearing this and wanting to step up and wanting to, you know, support their wives or their partners and having this space and allowing them to transition, it does not mean that you allow your wife to go out on a target shopping spree for an hour and come back and know she's ready for you. That might not always happen. Right? And the second you put the pressure on your wedding was like, Well, I gave you the space or the store took care of the kids, where's the sex? Where's the follow through? You'll have you'll create the shutdown again, from your partner. So it's Remember, it's always about connection, right? So that needs to be that needs to be the goal, if there's even going to be a goal is the process of connection. I created this space for you, right? So you could have that self intimacy. I would love to connect with you. Right? And I'm here and I desire that but I also know we work differently. Right? So continuing to explore what those needs are then the second male partners especially create that space without any pressure, whether or not sex happens, they're okay. And they're still going to connect and cuddle and all of it. There's a magic thing that happens. Women lean in, it's like, Oh, my God, like, you're not going to put pressure on me. We're not going to have the conversation again. I want sex with you now. It just happened. It's a magical shift. You got to take the pressure off, guys. That is such a cool equation. Mm hmm. If I share it with clients, I'll drop your name. So. And that answered one of my questions, it's, you know, what is something that you're doing that is getting in the way of more sex? And you mentioned it is the pressure? Yeah, again, we're human, right? When we want something, we think that we have to exert more force to get it. Right. There's no blame on men like we want it. Right. Another piece of it is again, the story you tell yourself, right, if I'm not getting it, what does that mean? And so we get kind of obsessed with that is like, okay, maybe I need to talk to her more about it. Maybe we need to figure out what the problem is. And we focus on the solution, as opposed to being curious, right? We're not curious about all facets of it. We think it's again, just about the quantity how many times right, how can I get you to want it more? It's No, how can I get you to grant yourself permission to pleasure first, right? And as a man, like, what stories are you telling yourself about your partner and about yourself? And what not having as much sex as you want to have what that means? Right? How does that affect your masculinity? How does that affect how you show up? So we have to be curious? Yeah, that's really cool. And I assume that's what you do is provide, in a way provide space for kind of like a real curiosity, as I would say, vulnerable vulnerability. Yeah, yeah. No, my programs are all about creating clarity around the relationship and that openness, space, like you said, curiosity, early on, like I said, it's the self intimacy piece, what that looks like what that involves, to be fully honest and transparent. I'm very, I'll say picky about who I allow into my programs, there's definitely a vetting process on both sides. I in coaching, I want people who are ready to show up for themselves, right, who are committed to that vulnerability in the ownership, who aren't just here to vent and blame their partners, right and be stuck in old stories. There's definitely a deep vulnerability in this coaching process to create the most extravagant, you know, transformations, but you got to be ready for it. Right, you gotta be ready for that. I was listening to a podcast you were on. And you mentioned, the idea of focus on pleasure. It doesn't necessarily need to be a beta now, so to speak, or, you know, penetration. And as kind of what you were saying about, you know, What does sex mean to you? We can, you know, talk a little bit about that, you know, how can a couple, maybe even this is a good place for parents to start focus on pleasure, without, you know, going to the bank, in and out. So, yeah, so as a society, we're all focused on outcome goals, right. And it's what we're fed all the time you see a news story of, you know, 500 pound woman lost 400 pounds, and everybody celebrates her, right? That's the outcome goal, though, none of us focus on the process. So for our process like that, for her processes, 500 pound woman eat salads for 10 years, and then she loses the weight. So we don't we don't look at the process. We don't look at the behind the scenes. And we compare so much with social media to all of this, we compare it to the outcome goal, but we don't look at the process. Right? So when it comes to pursuing pleasure, not orgasm or not sex, that's the process connections, the process, right? And when you focus on the process of that, then you'll get the outcome goals you actually desire. Right? But when it's just about the outcome goal, that pressure kills libido, right? The stress of it kills any opportunity for connection, right? But if you're just focusing on how can we enjoy each other's company, as parents, how can we create intimacy with one another when our home is chaotic a lot of the time right what does that look like? And to be honest, we don't have very much time as parents right it could be five minutes here and there so to create rituals around that to be intentional small moments of connection and that's really all it takes right small moments of pleasure is that you know my husband I will send funny memes back and forth right small moments of connection we laugh we connect we do the you know we have we do the Wordle I don't know if people are familiar with that. Oh, if you're not this is the New York Times put out this like app where you like guests words, but we compete so every day him and I compete of Who can guess it and the lesser amount of guesses, right? So that's a different way of creating a different dynamic right and pleasure and we joke about it and we laugh, having more fun, we take our love life so seriously. But we have to have more fun again, we have to infuse our lives with fun. And so much of that we can do with our kids around, right. And then when we do that, it's the greatest gift we give our kids by showing that we can embrace that affection, grace, that fun and silliness. We're setting them up for success in their future relationships. So a lot of the things we talk about in my program, as well as how can we be novel? How can we infuse our lives with that intimacy and pleasure and connection in short, little pieces, because that might be all that we have a short little couple of minutes here and there. But again, that takes intention that takes a mindfulness that takes ritual, and you have to be ready for that you have to plan that out so that they can be infused into the rest of your day. Right, whether it's little nonsexual shows of affection with physical touch, I do a six second kiss often, right? Little things that so when you do get the time, right, it's not this like, oh my gosh, we have hours of foreplay now, because we haven't had this date forever. No foreplay is every interaction you have. Right. And even John Gottman, if you're familiar with him and his mind, sex is everything between one orgasm to the next. So every interaction is sex, because sex is really connection. Right? So pursuing pleasure and connection in that way, and being you know, curious about how can I pursue pleasure with my partner, and especially with myself in in fun ways, so that when we get to that intimate space, there's not the pressure, we feel like we've been connected and have this, you know, friendship and this passion, this intimacy that's been building up. Another thing that I talked to couples a lot about, too, in terms of the outcome goal is as soon as we reach a goal, even right before we reach it, we always move the goalposts. Right. So it feels like we're never getting where we want. Okay, we're having sex three times a week now. Now, it should be five times a week, right? Before you even quite gotten to three. Yeah, we're never celebrating our successes, right? And never feels like we're enough or that we're doing enough. So we don't set ourselves up for success. So that's something else to be aware of. We got to celebrate the baby steps, we got to celebrate the small moments of connection, all of that gives us this foundation of love. So that again, when we're in that space, we've been building up to it. Right. And it's not just a one time thing. Yeah, that's so cool. Yeah, yeah. And something about feeling connected to your partner. I mean, I know from experience, a lot of other issues go away. You know, they kind of like the background is not as loud. Yeah. And especially, you know, with kids, if you can share that moment between the two of you, and with your kids. Now, you're really on to something awesome. Yeah, that's something that my husband I love. And I think for the most part we've been very aligned on and something that I just do in my coaching on social media is we have this reignite the spark challenge that we aim for every week. But we do little things that you know, for us, again, little moments, little infusions of connection. And oftentimes, we involve our kids, because our kids are home with us, like, we don't always have those to our date, sometimes we do. But when our kids are home, how do we reignite the spark in our relationship, and also involve them? Right, so we have some fun ideas that are on my social media that you can post later. But one of them that we love, and that the kids love is we go to the 99 cent store or target or wherever, and everybody has, like $5 and you pick a partner and you buy something for them that makes you think of them, right? Oh, no. And that's a way for the kids to connect intimately for my husband and I to connect and it's so much fun. And that the end, you share what you got with your person and why it's so much fun. So much fun. I'll get my husband credit for that one. Because we did that we've been we've been together 17 years. So we did that like one of our early on dates. But 17 years later, where we you know, we still do it and change up the rules a little bit and it's so much fun. Oh, that's great. I'm gonna we're gonna steal that idea. Imagine Yeah, our four year old daughter I bet she was loved. Yeah. All about gifts and receiving gifts. Yeah, my kiddos are six and four. And we did it a couple months ago. And they love every time we drive past the nine nine says so now they're going back. Well, would you say you know, the essence of parents of partners having a good sex life? It's, let's handle this. You know it. Okay. What does it mean to us? But let's just go let's do this in a collaborative way. And, gosh, I like what you said too. It's the process, not the outcome. You know how like, that's so important. I can't help but think of when you are sharing, and this is kind of more Generally when we have anxiety, we're anxious about something. We're like, I want to get over this right right now. But that doesn't work. Sometimes we have to dis be with it. Yeah, sit with it. And be okay with it doesn't mean we like it. Yeah, but lo and behold, we say with it for a little bit. It goes away. Yeah, you know, social media technology, all of it is a beautiful thing. It brings so many things. But it's also made us very, you know, we want quick results, quick answers, right? Sit in the discomfort of things. We're not used to that anymore. It's very uncomfortable. I see that with our kids now, which is so hard to see. And hard to teach them those lessons when you know, they're not seeing that out in their world and sitting in the discomfort, right, being patient not getting a toy, or the next best thing right away. We all have trouble with that, right? So we all and even as adults, we had trouble sitting and letting things unfold and being uncomfortable. But when we do again, that's where the magic happens when we have patience for that, when we learn to trust ourselves and listen to a higher power our highest selves, like that's where the answers aren't, we have them need to create space for that, right, instead of just putting the pressure on someone or something else to fulfill our needs. So quickly. Wow. Well said, Yeah. And you know, and I want to wrap it up, you know, in closing, but your formula has worked in my marriage. That's good. You know, and, you know, after, you know, in our data, we haven't done it nine months. And you know, my wife, you know, stress, you had a little bit anxiety after our first one. Second one not so bad. And, you know, I came at it more of, you know, the collaborative, you know, what can we do you know, about this, we shared kind of share where she's at physically shared, where she's at in terms of sex, and was patient with her didn't do any pressure. And then lo and behold, oh, and I, you know, is like, Hey, you go on vacation with your sister, right? Yeah, for a week. And then lo and behold, she's coming up to me, and like, wanting to give me hugs. I'm like, Well, gosh, give me some space. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's such a beautiful thing. And it's not when women aren't, they do want sex, like they do want intimacy. They just don't want the sex and intimacy they can have. And that's a quote by Esther Parral. And what that means is like, the space where everything again, is so chaotic, and just it's, you know, constant pull for attention, and neediness and being touched out all of it. So we need to create that space, right? And then we can create the room for desire. So that's what our partners can help us do. We have to take ownership of that as parents and as women, right, creating that space. What does that look like? Even if it's in short spurts, and then we desire it, then we want the intimacy to? Yeah, yeah, you want you have any women, any woman watch bridgerton And they'll let you know that that looks pretty good. Right? They want that they desire that. Yeah. So I'm familiar with that with watch what bridgerton It's a it's a show on Netflix. Okay. Yeah. bridgerton Okay, so there's somebody recommends vaccines. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, no, well, women you know, women can be just as visual as men. A lot of women like, you know, the audible you know, the stories. They're Radhika. So women desire it to write again, just creating space for that within their relationship and the relationship with themselves. Yeah, for sure. And is there anything from your perspective, any, like cultural, you know, implications of or, you know, think of like, you know, women providing space for that sort of sex, sexuality. I mean, there's a ton of things right. And, you know, with our parents, our first lessons and love our first template for a loving relationship. So from our childhoods, what we see of our parents what our culture's, tell us, what religion tells us, right, gives us a whole nother facet of oftentimes shame, oftentimes avoidance, right to not own pleasure in that way. So again, approaching it with curiosity of you know, how you're showing up in love, before you start blaming your partner for how they're not showing up, or us showing up the way you want your partner to show up and what does that look like, and that's exploring all facets of sexuality, starting with culture, family orientation development, for sure. And understanding I assume what you want to need to and in looking at that, yeah, I once had a woman tell me in the session, she said, she said my husband keeps asking me in the middle of like having sex. You know, Baby, tell me what you want. And I like freeze like a deer in headlights. And then I, like want him to stop right away. She's like, what's that about? And it's like, because you haven't taken ownership of it, you don't know what you want, right? You unexplored maybe ever, or maybe at least not in a long time, like what you actually want in the intimate space is because it's a people pleasing thing and obligation. Right. It's like, okay, you know, I know it should have sex this many times. I'll do that. So I can be a good wife. But there's no ownership there. Right. And that creates resentment. And that creates a gap and intimacy. So yeah, you gotta own it. What turns you on? Be curious. Yeah. Awesome. Maybe another line to trademark? Yeah. Yeah, tell I like that equation, though. Man. Oh, my gosh, I'm using that. Yeah. And yeah, I'll give you credit. Thank you. That's smart. Right there. Nicole. Yeah. Thank you so much. So where can you mentioned your social media? Where can someone find you? So they're listening? They're like, OMG. This is cool stuff. Where can people find you? Yes, everything's on social media. It's the most easily accessible space. You know, I am launching actually a new program here in a couple of weeks. So stay tuned for that. In terms of announcements on social media, but Instagram or Facebook, it's at Nicole Killeen coach. On Facebook, I have a private group for women, undressing intimacy at the forum for the modern woman and navigating all that. So that's a cool space and a lot of my new programs and offers are launched their first and then I have links for people DM me if they want to. If they want to schedule a discovery call with me to learn more about my program. That's all on Instagram on during my links as well. Yeah. Well, Nicole, thank you so much. This has been very informative for me. And it's been so fun just to kind of like you know, unpack all those tips. good nuggets in there. Yeah. Yeah, always more to learn. Yeah. times in the oven. Yeah, definitely. So Nicole, thank you so much. And I know this has been super helpful for people listening to this and enjoy sunny California. Thank you. Okay. Dang, was that cooler? What? Check out Nicole. Follow her on social media, and you'll learn a ton. Thanks for listening.